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September 26, 2006
Missing God
"But where is God now, with heaven full of astronauts, and the Lord overthrown? I miss God. I miss the company of someone utterly loyal. I still don't think of God as my betrayer. The servants of God, yes, but servants by their very nature betray. I miss God who was my friend. I don't even know if God exists, but I do know that if God is your emotional role model, very few human relationships will match up to it. I have an idea that one day it might be possible, I thought once it had become possible and that glimpse has set me wandering, trying to find the balance between earth and sky. If the servants hadn't rushed in and parted us, I might have been disappointed, might have snatched off the white samite to find a bowl of soup. As it is, I can't settle, I want someone who is fierce and will love me until death and know that love is as strong as death, and be on my side for ever and ever. I want someone who will destroy and be destroyed by me. There are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name."
-Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit.
I miss God too.
I keep looking and looking for Him. I hear Him calling my name, but I can't determine the direction to run towards. I keep groping towards His voice, one day, I will hold His hand again.
Posted by lainey at 01:00 AM | Comments (0)
Running Away
"This ancient city is made of stone and stone walls that have not fallen yet. Like paradise it is bounded by rivers, and contains fabulous beasts. Most of them have heads. If you drink from the wells, and there are many, you might live forever, but there is no guarantee you will live forever as you are. You might mutate. The waters might not agree with you. They don't tell you this. I came to this city to escape. This city is full of towers to climb and climb, and to climb faster and faster, marvelling at the design and dreaming of the view from the top. At the top there is a keen wind and everything is so far away it's impossible to say what is what. There is no one to discuss it with. Cats can count on the fire brigade, and Rapunzel was lucky with her hair. Wouldn't it be nice to sit on the ground again? I came to this city to escape.
If the demons lie within they travel with you.
Everyone thinks their own situation most tragic. I am no exception."
-Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit
But I've escaped successfully, and turned my demons into my companions.
Posted by lainey at 12:51 AM | Comments (0)
Forgetting Is The Best Medicine
"I thought in this city, a past was precisely that. Past. Why do I have to remember? In the old world, anyone could be a new creation, the past was washed away. Why should the new world be so inquisitive?
'Don't you ever think of going back?'
Silly question. There are threads that help you find your way back, and there are threads that intend to bring you back. Mine turns to the pull, it's hard to pull away. I'm always thinking of going back. When Lot's wife looked over her shoulder, she turned into a pillar of salt. Pillars hold things up, and salt keeps things clean, but it's a poor exchange for losing your self. People do go back, but they don't survive, because two realities are claiming them at the same time. Such things are too much. You can salt your heart, or kill your heart, or you can choose between the two realities. There is much pain here. Some people think you can have your cake and eat it. The cake goes mouldy and they choke on what's left. Going back after a long time will make you mad, because the people you left behind do not like to think of you changed, will treat you as they always did, accuse you of being indifferent, when you are only different."
- Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit
I don't need to hold things up, I don't have to be strong. I only want to survive, and the only way I can survive is to be happy.
I am almost happy now.
Posted by lainey at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)
September 07, 2006
Land of the Vikings
I'm all ready to go on a jetplane to embark on my first-ever backpacking trip to Scandinavia. I've always been the brown leather trunk sorta traveller, and now, at 26, I've become a backpacker! I know it's ironic to backpack in Scandinavia, but the place is so expensive, it seems like the only option available.
So yea, I be gone to quell my wanderlust again.
Posted by lainey at 05:40 PM | Comments (0)
September 04, 2006
Going To The Picturehouse
1) Mew and I laughed our heads off at the balls-grabbing scene (ok I think I was more horrified and Mew more tickled) in The Beat My Heart Skipped. It didn't blow me away in the theatre, but the more I think about it, the more I loved the movie. What did blow me away was the abso-fucking-lutely hunkalicious oh-so-cool French actor in the lead.
Give me satisfaction on the silver screen, anytime, anyday.
2) The boy and I attempted to catch Tony Takitani again (first time being at JFF). We are getting too old for midnight movies and had to leave halfway (tearing from torpor). I don't know if the movie is just not meant for a second viewing or that it just shouldn't be seen at midnight.
3) We are watching Laurence Olivier's Hamlet on DVD in preparation for our visitation to Kronborg Slot (also known as Hamlet's castle) in Helsingor (Elsinore in English). This is the Boy's first brush with Shakespeare and, boy, am I proud of him when he proved himself worthy by being totally engrossed in the movie. (DVD is watched in segments because we are busy preparing for trip.)
Oh, by the way, I'm so going to get myself a super-touristy t-shirt from Kronborg Slot. :D
Posted by lainey at 12:52 AM | Comments (0)