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April 11, 2004
Self-Affirming Shite
I've had enough relationships which had battered alot of self-worth from me. But, at the end of the day, I'm always lucky enough to be re-affirmed by the grace/;ove of God and the people around me.
I've always loved the beauty of life, even when I tend to forget from time to time.
Is this simplicity? Is it better to be complex then?
I was cleaning up my computer and I found this document to which I wrote to re-affirm myself after making the first decision to come out of a really emotionally-draining/abusive relationship.
Here's an excerpt. I think it's good to read it from time to time, to make sure I don't lose sight of who I am or at least, who I think I am.
I realised I’ve repressed so many parts of myself to be his. To be his lainey. Because he needs to be the person he is trying to be so badly, he ignores my needs and my identity altogether.
I am Elaine.
No matter how confused I am about who I am. Nobody has the right, not even him, to remove that fact from my life.
That I am Elaine.
That I need to be free-wheeling.
Feel what I want to feel.
Think the thoughts that I do.
Talk about things without caring what the other thinks.
Do what I like and smile when I want.
Laugh, giggle, and cry. Whenever. However.
Say whatever and whenever.
Listen to the music I adore. I need
Succumb to my impulses.
Succumb to my cravings.
Eat everything I want.
Not eat at all when I don’t want to.
Feel fat, always.
Sing aloud, laugh hysterically, go berserk.
all in public.
Watch TV only when I want to.
Get too engrossed and not be jolted out of it.
Not laugh, when I’m not amused.
Not be sweet, when I’m feeling diabolical.
Not take medication, even when I’m supposed to.
Love the sea, love shopping, love beauty and take my own damn sweet time about it.
Wear whatever makes me comfortable.
Be a prude, be a slut. Depending.
Be sarcastic, cynical and frivolous.
Be serious, too serious, be anal-retentive and proud of it.
Be unreasonable.
Read too much.
Think too much.
Worry incessantly.
Talk about death.
Walk in the rain.
Want and love to spend.
Be materialistic.
Be pedantic.
Be a Europhile, be an Anglophile. Be a Francophile.
Talk to strangers, and trust them.
Want to die, want to live. Not care a fucking damn.
Swear, use vulgarities, and apply double standards.
Be weak, be strong, be needy, be aloof.
Be elitist, be snobbish, be empathetic; care.
Care too much for people I love
Not care a damn for the rest of the world.
Worry too much. Love deeply. Hate unforgivingly.
Delve into issues. Watch too many movies.
Read too many books.
Obsessively-compulsively re-watch my movies and read my books.
Flirt harmlessly.
Exploit my assets.
Be irrationally insecure.
Over-react.
Be selectively apathetic.
Smile, nod, keep mum, act cute, laugh and use whatever defense mechanism I require to get through life.
Love-hate my family so deeply.
Love-hate myself too deeply.
Love-hate.
Be perpetually confused.
Be perpetually scared of everything, yet pretending to be fearless.
Yes. That’s me.
That’s who Elaine is, and so much more.
And no one, not even him, has the right to deny me of all that.
Of being all that.
When I was with him, I couldn’t be myself. I had to be who he wanted me to be. It’s not him. It’s me. I couldn’t be myself when I was with him. I was needy, pathetic, scared to offend, eager to please. I was his little cocker spaniel. That’s not me. I become a strange sort of mutant. I become less than Elaine.
I deserved not getting his respect.
We are not meant to be, cuz there was no "I" in the relationship to begin with even.
Elaine 10.16AM 16/5/2003 Melbourne
Posted by lainey at April 11, 2004 01:04 PM