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February 21, 2004
This Girl's Life
Invariably, if you ask me what I think of my life now, I will give you a look of horror.
I do not like my life now. And I worry where this existence might bring me.
If you ask me what might make me very happy, I will tell you that it will be very pleasant if the CIA comes to my place in the middle of the night, kidnaps me and gives me a brand new identity to be wrought out in the middle of Siberia.
Yes. I loathe this life this much right now.
There had been times when I loathed the skin I was in. But never once did I ever complain that much that I would want another life. I'm a fatalistic person, always determined to live my life the fullest I can. Always determined to live the life bestowed upon me the best I can. And being one who believe that life circumstances make me who I am, I can't imagine changing any bit of my life because I couldn't imagine another Elaine.
Today, I realised I loathed my life because I'm turning into ANOTHER Elaine.
I'm sick of intrusive tuition kids and tuition kids' parents who want nothing but more more more tuition sessions. I'm sick of them who refuse to let me stop giving tuition to their kids even after I tell them how I just can't cope with my current schedule.
I'm sick of routine and schedule that I have to lead. Sick of the inefficiency of the Institution that I am in, the myopia of my peers and sometimes, lecturers. I'm sick of the system and how ineffective it is.
Most of all, I'm sick of myself. That I'm not strong enough enough to endure all of this, that I'm not tolerant, not patient and not normal enough to be glad with my lot. I'm tired of myself for being so tired. For being not assertive enough to say no firmly. For taking more than I can bear.
Of course, there are bits of my life I am happy with. My human relations with those who MATTER are going well, I've left a past that did nothing but destroy my soul behind. I get along with my parents and I still manage to remain social despite the odds. I stay in touch with close friends and make the effort to meet up with them; my acquaintances think I am sunshine bear and come to me in confidence (too soon! too fast!). I hold intellectual conversations with my peers and I've even learnt to do abit of small talk and gossip.
But I know too, these are at risk of crashing. If I don't rein myself in, if I don't rein my life in. If I don't start loving my life. You will have a zombie for a daughter, a zombie for a friend, a zombie for a girlfriend. A zombie or a monster. Either way, it will be terrible.
Am I scared?
Of course I am.
For a person whose world crashed THAT badly once, it should never crash again.
I need to read, I need to reflect. I need to use my blardy brain. I need to run, I need to eat healthy, eat regularly. Not chew on cookies in the day to sustain myself and eat ravenously for dinner.
I need to stop smoking and stop drinking coffee.
This life is free-wheeling out of control.
This life is freewheeling out of control into the world of routine and lack of stimulus and inspiration.
This life is free-wheeling out of control into stagnation.
This life is cancer.
I'm so tired.
Posted by lainey at February 21, 2004 10:18 AM
Comments
As hypocritical as it may sound, I can sincerely emphatise with your situation.
Please be the sunshine bear that you are.
Believe me, life can get worse.
I hope you are comfortable enough to drop me a note via my e-mail (kenleecc@singnet.com.sg) and let me, a total stranger, know how you are doing now.
Posted by: Ken at July 2, 2005 06:14 AM