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December 18, 2003
Bearing The Weight
I went to watch 21 Grams last evening on my own. I had a vague idea what it was about, but it hit me hard, much harder than I expected. I thought it would leave me brooding and sombre. But it did more than that. Or at least, I think it did. I didn't know if it was because I was caught in the rain before the movie, or if it was the psychosomatic effects of the movie, but I felt sick in the middle of the movie, and at the end of it, I had to go throw up. A cigarette made me feel better but I'm running a fever now.
I would like to attribute it to the movie, rather than the rain.
You know, 21 grams is the weight one loses when one dies.
In the movie, Sean Penn's character dies many times over, as in, he has many near-death experiences. And his character asks, how many 21 grams can one person lose? His character also had the chance to see what death can effect on the living. Alot of people die, or comes in touch with the idea of death in the movie.
So if the dead loses 21 grams. Then 21 grams must be what those left alive has to gain.
His character finally asks the ultimate question for the grieving, the living.
He asks how heavy is the 21 grams?
(At this point, I can't remember if he asked or I asked.)
I think about so many things that have happened. And I think about all the different 21 grams I've gained. And I think, as a stupid joke, it's no wonder I'm so fat now. Then I look at my mom and the 21 grams she gained and how she's dealing with it. And how I'm always so angry at the way she's dealing with it.
Is the way I'm dealing with my multiple 21 grams any better?
Then I remember how she dealt with the 21 grams I gained the way I'm dealing with her 21 grams now. With pure unadulterated anger.
Shwang posed me this question. What if my him is to die?
I didn't tell Shwang. That everyday, I ask myself that question. That it's my greatest fear. I also remember, in happier times, that's his greatest fear for me. From the beginning of our relationship, he expressed opened fear of me dying. That's when I've learnt to take care of myself. And it's something I can't shake off up till now. We spent most of our relationship with me assuring him that I would stay alive the best I can. So much so that he developed an immortal quality. But it doesn't stop me from reading San Diego Online everyday. Just in case. He races.
So how heavy is 21 grams?
It is as heavy as your heart.
Posted by lainey at December 18, 2003 05:38 PM
Comments
Hello. I just stumbled across your blog when i search The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle on google. I too am reading but not completely done. Almost though. I just need like ten pages. You can IM me if you want. I think it'd be cool to talk. IM me at 'marylandmansions' i'm usually on.
take care and good day.
-mg
Posted by: Marvin at December 21, 2003 10:04 PM
i've tried to add you on but i'm not sure if I did it correctly...it would be good to talk to u, ive something to ask you. :p
just in case i added u on wrong, you can try adding me on. i'm "goghette".
Posted by: lainey at December 22, 2003 10:18 AM