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October 04, 2003
Prayer for the Sick
Dear God,
I need You. I do. There's nobody else to have. Nobody else to need but You because only You can deliver. If You exist that is. I didn't want to believe in You. I want to believe in my own reason. My own head. My own strength. But I have no strength. I go from person to person, fucked-up relationship to fucked-up relationship. Drama to drama, intensity to intensity. Sadness, ectascy, frustration. But never am I content. Never am I satisfied. Never am I understood.
C.S. Lewis said that there's a God-shaped hole in our heart that only God can fill. Is that really the shape of the hole in me? I would like to think it's shaped something else. Something more fathomable. But then again, nothing is fathomable these days.
I've had a bad week. Really miserable week. Week-tinged with Sepia then fading into Black and White then...slowly disappearing into Static. I never wanted to be Technicolour, God. I only wanted to be a shade of Blue. The favourite colour of people.
I need You. My bad week ended with huge aplomb. A bad fight. A really bad fight, and the realisation that perhaps, I'm really alone. And nobody can catch me, nobody will ever understand. So even if You don't exist, You are still my safest bet. You will be the least disappointing one. Because You are not of our world.
Graham Greene said in The Quiet American :
Wouldn't we all do better not trying to understand, accepting the fact that no human being will ever understand another, not a wife a husband, a lover a mistress, nor a parent a child? Perhaps that's why men have invented God - a being capable of understanding. Perhaps if I wanted to be understood or to understand I would bamboozle myself into belief...
I have to bamboozle myself into belief, because I have to be understood. I can make-believe for so long that so and so can understand. I can delude myself. But I have to find a more trustworthy Coping Device.
So God, if You are real, I would've hit jackpot. I feel down. I feel miserably down. And for once in my life, I don't want to find the comfort of any human being because I know no one can do anything and no one can understand. And for once, I just want to hide in Your solace, Your embrace and believe that if I believe in You, everything will be okay. Simply because You will understand.
And God, if You are not real. I've nothing to lose anyway. Do I?
Since nothing is ever real anyway.
I'm going to Church now. God, I hope I can feel You there. Or at least, the pretense of Your presence there.
In Your Name, I pray.
Amen.
Posted by lainey at October 4, 2003 10:53 PM