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October 16, 2003
Losing My Ambition
Before David, I'd always been the xiao nu ren* among my friends. I'd always dreamt of getting married to a man I love and who adores me, have a fantastic son and a beautiful daughter, and go through the rest of life with my beautiful make-believe nuclear family. My friends did laugh at me for the lack of ambition. To me, it was the biggest ambition I've ever had.
When I met Dave, naturally, he entered the equation of my dream. We planned our marriage.
"Two small ones to make a big one - one in Singapore and one in Jersey."
We planned on what we'd do with our lives.
"I'll work and you can stay home, look after the rose bushes and write!"
We planned on our children.
"I want a daughter!"
"I want a son and a daughter!"
"I think our children are going to be beautiful because their mother is so beautiful!"
"I think our children will only be beautiful if they look like their daddy and not their mommy. Gawd..I hope they don't get my eyes!"
"Your eyes are beautiful.."
"My eyes are like peas."
We planned on growing old together.
"You are going to cook this Teriyaki chicken for the rest of my life, ok?"
"Can you promise not to die before me? Promise you will take care of your health...I don't think our kids and I can live without Mummy.."
So after meeting David, my dream began to crystallize into a magnificent castle.
Strangely now, the castle is shattered, and I don't want that dream anymore. I've ceased picturing a life with a husband and two kids. I've ceased picturing myself in a bridal gown or having a wedding in the jersey woods. I've ceased picturing becoming a mother. The thought horrifies me. I will be a terrible mother.
The children, very beautiful ones I assure you, I was going to have with him died even before they came into being. And, as I mourn for their demise, I don't think I'm capable of having any other. And I know, any other who comes along, will not be as loved as I would've loved the first two. And I don't think, it would be fair to anybody, let alone kids with a crazy mother.
I see myself and the rest of my life now, moving from relationship to pseudo-relationship. I see myself wandering the world. I chose the second best option for myself. To work towards my Phd. If I have academia, I probably don't need a family. If not, I can imagine myself marrying a guy because he's not-too-bad. But I cannot imagine myself loving that guy or giving him my heart. Because there is no more heart to talk about anymore. Because the first and only castle shattered, nothing else quite matters anymore.
Now, this is what I call a lack of ambition.
I'm a widow to my own unrelenting emotions, arn't I?
Perhaps it's because it has only been three months since he has officially left my life. Maybe three years down the road, things will look better.
But I don't see how things can improve for a zombie after three years.
Let's just watch this place after three years, ok?
*xiao nu ren : term for submissive unambitious wife for chauvinistic patriachal man.
Posted by lainey at October 16, 2003 12:53 AM