Daisyspeak: October 2003 Archives

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October 30, 2003

a perfect excuse

alan made me laugh today, and also shared with me a nice quote.
he told me that montesquei wrote to his friend :

forgive me if my letter is too long, i had no time to write a short letter.

how quaint. :)

Posted by lainey at 01:50 AM | Comments (0)

October 27, 2003

Because I still need you (also known as him)

the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh no.

i need you so much closer

- Transatlanticism, Death Cab for Cutie

Posted by lainey at 05:29 PM | Comments (0)

October 22, 2003

Making Love

They had been married seven months. They said nothing of any importance. They washed up the dishes and went to bed. In bed, they made love. Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new. When it was made, they lay in each other's arms, holding love, asleep. In her sleep Heather heard the roaring of a creek full of the voices of unborn children singing.

- The Lathe of Heaven, Ursula Le Guin

Posted by lainey at 08:14 PM | Comments (0)

No one will ever know

No one will ever know anyone.
You will never get to know me...
You are not ever going to know me,
figure it out,
deal with it.
- Rules of Attraction

Posted by lainey at 01:16 AM | Comments (0)

October 20, 2003

i love you - written in personal journal on 21/6/02

This time round, a (2) and (3) have been executed upon me.
And oh, it cuts both ways.

When I say "I love you", I give a part of myself to the person I say it to. I sacrifice that part of myself and separate it from me, entrusting it into your hands. And I wish you would take that "I love you" and nurture it, grow it and take care of it, so that together, we make the "I love you" most worthwhile.

However, life doesn't happen the way it should. Sometimes, when I say "I love you" to a "you", I get different treatments of the "I love you" I gave out. "You" can:

1) take it, keep it, and look after it with me
2) chuck it aside, only taking out to use on a rainy day.
3) take it, and casually throw it aside, forgotten.
4) use it as a tool, against me.

So now, I don't say "I love you" so easily anymore, because most people do a (2) or (3) on me, and the occasional few even execute a (4) on me.

"I love you" is a part of me.
Each "I love you" I give out, comes straight from the heart, aims straight at the heart, and reflects right back into the heart.

So, I can say, "I care for you", "I worry about you", "I want you to be happy", and perhaps, still remain intact, getting away with superficial abrasions which, will heal in a day or two or many more.

But, an "I love you" takes almost a life-time to heal, and once lost, can never be recovered. That part will be lost.

So I can't say "I love you" so easily anymore. Because I don't want to be hurt so much so long anymore.

So, no more, "I love you"s.

Only when I'm fully prepared for it.

No more. No more.

Posted by lainey at 04:22 AM | Comments (3)

drowned kitten

hee 021.jpg

drunk, delirious but oblivious.
that all highs will always come to one crashing halt.

Posted by lainey at 03:56 AM | Comments (0)

October 18, 2003

oh my gosh

oh my gosh, sylvia is out.

do u think i will be in the states in time to catch it? oh god..please let it be. i will walk to la city if that had to be the case.

i have to watch it.

Posted by lainey at 01:45 AM | Comments (0)

October 17, 2003

Memories of Melbourne

Yeah...I feel like sharing Melbourne again. :)
This time, on a more personal level. :)

The fridge in my house. It's amazing how much food three girls need eh? :)

The pantry reiterates the former point.

The view from my bed...I loved my bed, I loved my computer, I loved the view of my computer from my bed. LOL!

I love this view from my bed too. :) Always pondered about skipping many a class from this view :P

The bed itself...my comfy sleeping corner :)

The space above my bed. Pieces of my heart to watch over me as I sleep...

Posted by lainey at 02:39 PM | Comments (1)

October 16, 2003

travelling

My Norwegian friend, talks about travelling to Singapore to visit me. All the way from Norway to Singapore. On a scooter. As I charted the journey for him, Germany...Russia...China...Myammar...Vietnam...Thailand...Malaysia...Singapore! I burst out laughing despite feeling down.

So there, I've finally written about you, even before you made it down to Singapore. :)

Posted by lainey at 11:08 PM | Comments (0)

Losing My Ambition

Before David, I'd always been the xiao nu ren* among my friends. I'd always dreamt of getting married to a man I love and who adores me, have a fantastic son and a beautiful daughter, and go through the rest of life with my beautiful make-believe nuclear family. My friends did laugh at me for the lack of ambition. To me, it was the biggest ambition I've ever had.

When I met Dave, naturally, he entered the equation of my dream. We planned our marriage.

"Two small ones to make a big one - one in Singapore and one in Jersey."

We planned on what we'd do with our lives.

"I'll work and you can stay home, look after the rose bushes and write!"

We planned on our children.

"I want a daughter!"
"I want a son and a daughter!"
"I think our children are going to be beautiful because their mother is so beautiful!"
"I think our children will only be beautiful if they look like their daddy and not their mommy. Gawd..I hope they don't get my eyes!"
"Your eyes are beautiful.."
"My eyes are like peas."

We planned on growing old together.

"You are going to cook this Teriyaki chicken for the rest of my life, ok?"
"Can you promise not to die before me? Promise you will take care of your health...I don't think our kids and I can live without Mummy.."

So after meeting David, my dream began to crystallize into a magnificent castle.
Strangely now, the castle is shattered, and I don't want that dream anymore. I've ceased picturing a life with a husband and two kids. I've ceased picturing myself in a bridal gown or having a wedding in the jersey woods. I've ceased picturing becoming a mother. The thought horrifies me. I will be a terrible mother.

The children, very beautiful ones I assure you, I was going to have with him died even before they came into being. And, as I mourn for their demise, I don't think I'm capable of having any other. And I know, any other who comes along, will not be as loved as I would've loved the first two. And I don't think, it would be fair to anybody, let alone kids with a crazy mother.

I see myself and the rest of my life now, moving from relationship to pseudo-relationship. I see myself wandering the world. I chose the second best option for myself. To work towards my Phd. If I have academia, I probably don't need a family. If not, I can imagine myself marrying a guy because he's not-too-bad. But I cannot imagine myself loving that guy or giving him my heart. Because there is no more heart to talk about anymore. Because the first and only castle shattered, nothing else quite matters anymore.

Now, this is what I call a lack of ambition.

I'm a widow to my own unrelenting emotions, arn't I?

Perhaps it's because it has only been three months since he has officially left my life. Maybe three years down the road, things will look better.

But I don't see how things can improve for a zombie after three years.

Let's just watch this place after three years, ok?

*xiao nu ren : term for submissive unambitious wife for chauvinistic patriachal man.

Posted by lainey at 12:53 AM | Comments (0)

October 11, 2003

Got this off some blog, and yes, I'm surprised at my answers

Scenario

You're walking the city with a trusted friend. Crossing the street, you're momentarily distracted, and stumble, tripping forward into a lane of oncoming traffic.

The next few seconds proceed with terrible clarity. There's a loud screech, a look of horror on your friend's face, and in the corner of your eye a blur of yellow resolves into a large family wagon. Its fender strikes you at waist height, and you hear the crack as much as feel it; a bolt of bone lightning severs your femoral artery, and you fall to the ground in slow-motion.

You can hear your friend calling for an ambulance, but you know it won't arrive in time.

There's a rushing sound in your ears, and you feel cold, as shock takes over. You grab your friend's hand, pull them close, and whisper your last words -- messages to give to the three most important people in your life.

Here's the quiz.
a) Who's the messenger (your trusted friend)? Why?
b) What's the message -- who are the three people, and what do you tell them?

It's not a long speech - seconds, not minutes, so keep it brief. Don't answer out of obligation - you're dead in a minute, so social conventions don't apply. Your answers might surprise you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My answers

The messenger would be Shan, cos I know she's the only one I know who cares enough to do everything for me because she will know how much it means to me.

The message would be "Tell David I love him and will never stop loving him, Mom to be strong and not to be sad and I'm still there and Shan that she's the dearest and most precious friend I've ever been blessed with."

What about you?

Posted by lainey at 11:36 AM | Comments (0)

October 04, 2003

Prayer for the Sick

Dear God,

I need You. I do. There's nobody else to have. Nobody else to need but You because only You can deliver. If You exist that is. I didn't want to believe in You. I want to believe in my own reason. My own head. My own strength. But I have no strength. I go from person to person, fucked-up relationship to fucked-up relationship. Drama to drama, intensity to intensity. Sadness, ectascy, frustration. But never am I content. Never am I satisfied. Never am I understood.

C.S. Lewis said that there's a God-shaped hole in our heart that only God can fill. Is that really the shape of the hole in me? I would like to think it's shaped something else. Something more fathomable. But then again, nothing is fathomable these days.

I've had a bad week. Really miserable week. Week-tinged with Sepia then fading into Black and White then...slowly disappearing into Static. I never wanted to be Technicolour, God. I only wanted to be a shade of Blue. The favourite colour of people.

I need You. My bad week ended with huge aplomb. A bad fight. A really bad fight, and the realisation that perhaps, I'm really alone. And nobody can catch me, nobody will ever understand. So even if You don't exist, You are still my safest bet. You will be the least disappointing one. Because You are not of our world.

Graham Greene said in The Quiet American :

Wouldn't we all do better not trying to understand, accepting the fact that no human being will ever understand another, not a wife a husband, a lover a mistress, nor a parent a child? Perhaps that's why men have invented God - a being capable of understanding. Perhaps if I wanted to be understood or to understand I would bamboozle myself into belief...

I have to bamboozle myself into belief, because I have to be understood. I can make-believe for so long that so and so can understand. I can delude myself. But I have to find a more trustworthy Coping Device.

So God, if You are real, I would've hit jackpot. I feel down. I feel miserably down. And for once in my life, I don't want to find the comfort of any human being because I know no one can do anything and no one can understand. And for once, I just want to hide in Your solace, Your embrace and believe that if I believe in You, everything will be okay. Simply because You will understand.

And God, if You are not real. I've nothing to lose anyway. Do I?

Since nothing is ever real anyway.

I'm going to Church now. God, I hope I can feel You there. Or at least, the pretense of Your presence there.

In Your Name, I pray.
Amen.

Posted by lainey at 10:53 PM | Comments (0)