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October 20, 2003
i love you - written in personal journal on 21/6/02
This time round, a (2) and (3) have been executed upon me.
And oh, it cuts both ways.
When I say "I love you", I give a part of myself to the person I say it to. I sacrifice that part of myself and separate it from me, entrusting it into your hands. And I wish you would take that "I love you" and nurture it, grow it and take care of it, so that together, we make the "I love you" most worthwhile.
However, life doesn't happen the way it should. Sometimes, when I say "I love you" to a "you", I get different treatments of the "I love you" I gave out. "You" can:
1) take it, keep it, and look after it with me
2) chuck it aside, only taking out to use on a rainy day.
3) take it, and casually throw it aside, forgotten.
4) use it as a tool, against me.
So now, I don't say "I love you" so easily anymore, because most people do a (2) or (3) on me, and the occasional few even execute a (4) on me.
"I love you" is a part of me.
Each "I love you" I give out, comes straight from the heart, aims straight at the heart, and reflects right back into the heart.
So, I can say, "I care for you", "I worry about you", "I want you to be happy", and perhaps, still remain intact, getting away with superficial abrasions which, will heal in a day or two or many more.
But, an "I love you" takes almost a life-time to heal, and once lost, can never be recovered. That part will be lost.
So I can't say "I love you" so easily anymore. Because I don't want to be hurt so much so long anymore.
So, no more, "I love you"s.
Only when I'm fully prepared for it.
No more. No more.
Posted by lainey at October 20, 2003 04:22 AM
Comments
for me, i tink it's (d) that i'm afraid of. i'm much too afraid. i'm afraid that it's a like a jinx. say it, and suddenly all the trials will appear. trials are good, they r meant to strength bonds, if u overcome them.
with my heart so numb, i feel like giving up, and just succumb the the pressure of the world.
Posted by: clouds at October 20, 2003 08:47 AM
We all wish for 1) but 1) seldom happens.
Posted by: Silenus at October 20, 2003 02:22 PM
true, how true your diagnosis is about "i love you". sometimes, some people misuse it, causing misunderstandings and lots of hurt. i hope it neva happens to you again.
Posted by: grid at October 20, 2003 07:22 PM