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September 27, 2003
Orbituary
Author of Orientalism, respected academic, Edward Said, passed away.
He died of leukamia.
I've imagined him to be always alive. Almost with an immortal quality.
Posted by lainey at 04:00 PM | Comments (0)
September 25, 2003
The sense of unhappiness is
The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belongs to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity. The words of human love have been used by the saints to describe their vision of God, and so, I suppose, we might use the terms of prayer, meditation, contemplation to explain the intensity of love we feel for a woman. We too surrender memory, intellect, intelligence, and we too experience the deprivation, the noche oscura, and sometimes as a reward a kind of peace. The act of love itself has been described as the little death, and lovers sometimes experience too the little peace. It is odd to find myself writing these phrases as though I loved what in fact I hate. Sometimes I don’t recognize my own thoughts. What do I know of phrases like ‘the dark night’ or of prayer, who have only one prayer? I have inherited them, that is all, like a husband who is left by death in the useless possession of a woman’s clothes, scents, pots of cream…And yet there was this peace…
- The End of The Affair, Graham Greene
Posted by lainey at 11:35 PM | Comments (0)
Sick Update
Have not been updating cuz the flu has been hitting me bad.
I don't like cough mixtures, flu medicines and sleeping pills because they have a terrible baseball-whack-head effect on me. But I took one last night since I couldn't talk to T and had to recover fast anyway.
Today, I woke up with a mostest terrible hangover even alcohol doesn't effect. And in a desperate attempt to get on with life, I'm drinking coffee. I hate substance-abuse.
Anyway, I've got to be a good girl now. Cuz...I want my credit card and my travel trip. And Mom just dropped the bombshell that I will get neither if I've not been a good girl.
Yes, I've got motivation...all for the wrong materialist reasons, I know :p
Posted by lainey at 12:25 PM | Comments (0)
September 22, 2003
The End of An Affair
Yesterday I told T (who should, till the end of the year, be my new "you" or "him", don't you think? lol) that sometimes, I feel like I could talk to him forever.
He replied that sometimes, he feels that he could talk to me forever, and sometimes, he feels that we just did talk forever, and that he is going to talk to me forever.
We spoke from 8.30pm to 6am this morning. Until he insisted I had to go to bed. And I reluctantly collapsed from exhaustion.
We have been talking to each other almost everyday for almost six months now. And we can still talk forever. The days we don't get to talk to each other, the days we miss talking to each other miserably. How can two people have that much to talk about? Most often or not, I will freak out at too frequent a contact, too close a contact, too much of contact. More often, I would get bored and need a break. And most often too, people find me too intense and require a break from me. And the times we do meet, we can't get enough of each other.
T says I amaze him and I keep amazing him. And that he has never met anyone who has amazed him before, let alone so often. But he refuses to tell me how.
All we know is that we have 46 days till we get to spend 55 days together. It is 55+46 days to the end of the year.
And as I've told him, 55+46 days would be the end of an affair.
He counts down to 46 days. I count down to 55+46 days. And I've given up New York City so as to maximise T-time. :)
And we maintain we are good friends. And we maintain a non-committal relationship.
And I know, that phrase itself, is an absolute cop-out. An oxymoron.
Posted by lainey at 04:23 PM | Comments (0)
September 19, 2003
Aphasia Relapse
I've mucho to write.
To share my life, my thoughts and feelings with you.
To tell you how my life had evolved the past few weeks.
To tell you what has happened the past week.
To tell you how I'm feeling now.
To tell you what touched my heart.
To share what inspired me.
To show the products of those inspirations.
I've mucho to write about.
But words fail me.
And I remain silenced.
And brimming with words.
But nothing comes out.
Arghk.
Posted by lainey at 11:39 PM | Comments (0)
September 12, 2003
WOMAD belated
Here are some proof of how magical a weekend WOMAD was. I will add the groupie shots later.
This "Tree Man" graced the Top Stage and I was so intrigued by it. I remembered talking to its creator, Craig Walsh, about it and he just dismissed it as merely "computer work" and "no big deal". As if!
A shot to present the feel the Tree Man effected. Looking over the dancers, the computer generated imagemade WOMAD feel more surreal. And kinda spooky. :)
I like this shot of WOMAD. Everyone seemed...set in time. :) So cool. And I'm unable to be descriptive now.. :p
Gabriela of Rodrigo Y Gabriela fame looking hot as usual. Her strumming, her passion on stage, her hot body and fabulous-looking halter tops made a fan out of me. And when she spoke candidly about silly stuff and smacked her lips to taste for the lingering toothpaste taste, she won us over! :) I don't think that guy next to her is Rodrigo tho.
Afro-French Musician, Julien Jacob, holding a workshop for his enchanting and idyllic blend of music which i think he would like to term as "afro-accidentale". How pretty. I'd only wish I attended this one. hmm. Maybe he will come again next year? I can only hope.
Posted by lainey at 12:24 AM | Comments (1)
September 10, 2003
binge
mom cooked a scrumptious dinner. and for once, im home for dinner. so ate alot i did.
and for dessert, i came up with the bright idea of eating icing sugar.
now i feel so sick.
silly lainey.
hee.
Posted by lainey at 08:45 PM | Comments (0)
Far From The Maddening Crowd
i know i work best in a quiet peaceful existence.
i don't need aplomb. i don't need action.
i just need quiet appreciation of beauty around me.
i am not a people person, unlike how people perceive me to be, simply because people tire me out.
however good i may be with people.
then i think of you, and your seven ha of land in the beautiful French countryside. I think of your donkey and your five cats. Your goats and your flowers. I think of your quiet existence away from the maddening crowd.
I think perhaps, I don't hear from you. Because I must have had been part of the maddening crowd.
And you are in your peaceful solitude with your peaceful everything.
You have your peace.
While I'm stuck in my maddening crowd.
Am tired. And a thousand little deaths remedy nothing.
And the first stab of pain comes with the paranoia that I must have had been part of your maddening crowd, and not your peace.
While you were my reprieve from this maddening crowd, and my window of peace.
Posted by lainey at 12:04 AM | Comments (0)
September 08, 2003
metamorphosis
The rain made this post appropriate.
Yes. I've changed.
I don't want it to be a passing cloud of sepia.
I don't want it to be a momentary high.
I want to be alive.
I want to be life.
I want to remember you by making your memory and your impact indelible in my life.
I want to smile that smile which ,that attracted you.
I want to be that life which, drew you to me.
I want to believe in humanity the way you taught me how.
I don't want to go back to that stark, bright, darkness again.
I want to be infused with the soft rays of light and glow in sepia forever more.
I want to be life.
Posted by lainey at 10:43 PM | Comments (1)
She finally makes sense...
"The time between meeting and finally leaving, is sometimes called falling in love."
- Lisa Loeb
Posted by lainey at 10:01 PM | Comments (0)
Must Say Goodbye (English Version)
* Release me, I know the only way
to reach me, that is the way that it should be
so free me from all your memories
I know we must say goodbye
We must say goodbye
If you belong in this world
Then I know we'll take the step to every road
Now alone, I realize you're far ahead
Without knowing you we're there still in my heart
I know we must say goodbye
We must say goodbye
[ * ]
Can't we belong in this world
Then I'm sure you'd take me to your every road
Just one thing,not realizing you were there
Without knowing you were there still in your heart
I know you must say goodbye
We must say goodbye
I know we must say goodbye
Must we say goodbye...
Posted by lainey at 07:00 AM | Comments (1)
September 07, 2003
Fly I can't. Not the
Fly I can't. Not the way I did last week. So I will seek flight through Graham Greene's words. :)
Will share more tomorrow. ;)
Fly!!!!!!!
Posted by lainey at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)
September 02, 2003
Vivant
After drinks, rolled tobacco and English-French conversation on justice, beer and life, Laurent decided to leave the both of us. And that was when we started saying our long protracted goodbye.
It began raining the moment we started saying goodbye.
And the rain, like your smell of red wine and tobacco, has been following me since.
I know my life is a sequence of literary devices, but this sympathetic background to my post-dream state-of-mind is too much for me to bear. This spillover beauty is making me remain in a daze and it will be harder for me to wean into reality again.
You told me when we first met that you will never forget me and that asked if I would. I refused to answer because, there and then, I didn't know the answer.
But now I know. I cannot forget you. You are my black Messiah.
Posted by lainey at 05:53 PM | Comments (0)
September 01, 2003
Moving On (again)
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.
Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that’s permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.
If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.
Should I outlive this anguish - and men do.
I shall only have good to say of you.
-Edna St Vincent Millay
Posted by lainey at 02:40 AM | Comments (0)
it was a magical weekend
it was a magical weekend at Womad.
I wish I can put it down in words.
First for that article I have to write, then for my own memory's sake - here.
But first, I shall indulge.
It was a magical weekend at Womad.
:)
Good and bad. Got me pensive. Got me high. But magical, definitely.
Posted by lainey at 01:19 AM | Comments (0)