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August 31, 2003
lainey has died
lainey has died
Posted by lainey at 04:03 AM | Comments (1)
August 21, 2003
Please Read.
Silence is not an option. So I speak out. I would also like my readers, whom I see as my friends in some way, to know more about suicide and remove the stigma. Lots of lives can be saved if the stigma is removed. Longer back, suicide was an option for me. Now, it's a triumph card I hold in my hand, knowing I will take out only when I run out of coping devices. And I think along the way, I've amassed alot of coping devices, and am still amassing them.
What I agree with David Webb is, we need to face healing tactics that do not require medication.
Because, I think I'm still in the process of healing, and I heal better now, than when I was on medication.
Posted by lainey at 10:08 AM | Comments (3)
...when things were very bad
...when things were very bad his soul just crawled behind his heart and curled up and went to sleep. When it awoke, the fearful thing had gone away....neither of us would allow the other to be buried without making "absolutely, positively sure" that the person was dead. I also had to swear that when his soul was sleeping I would never try to wake it, for the shock might make it go to sleep forever. So I let him be.
-I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, Maya Angelou
I buried him alive.
Posted by lainey at 03:24 AM | Comments (0)
August 19, 2003
The Transition World
Reading Narnia...and chancing upon the world in-between worlds, reminds me of the time when I was with him. I think, I vaguely remember, a while ago, I had been in the world...the world between worlds. And I yearn to be there again. But I'm content, just by the fact that I've been there before.
I remember the days spent in San Diego:
If anyone had asked him "Where did you come from?" he would probably have said, "I've always been here." That was what it felt like - as if one had always been in that place and never been bored although nothing had ever happened.
We never did too much together.
Just driving along the highways, listening to music. My hand in yours. Your hand on my lap. No words. Just a straight road and lots of speed. Or we could be home - sitting on the couch, watching tv or a video, playing footsie, holding hands. We don't speak much.
Sometimes, we would lie on the bed. STaring at the ceiling, him drawing tiny circles on my arm and me drawing tiny circles on his legs. Then the words come. We would talk. About his world and my world. Questions after questions. That's the moment where our worlds finally do collide and intersect.
His world my world, and together, we meet at the world of in-between. No other worlds matter in that world of ours. Our world of In-Between.
I remembered when we first got to know each other:
"I think I've seen you before," She said.
"I rather think so too," said Digory. "Have you been here long?"
"Oh, always," said the girl. "At least - I don't know - a very long time."
"So have I," Said Digory.
"No you havent, " said she. "I've just seen you come up out of that pool."
"Yes, I suppose I did," said Digory with a puzzled air, "I'd forgotten."
Then for quite a long time neither said any more.
"Look here," said the girl presently, "I wonder did we ever really meet before? I had a sort of picture in my head - of a boy and a girl, like us - living somehwere quite different - and doing all sorts of things. Perhaps it was only a dream."
I don't quite remember how we got to know each other, or at which point did you become so important to me. Was it before you told me you liked me? Or was it after? Why did I accept your ludicrous love so readily, when I'd previously ran away from relationships and commitment? I just know. Being with you, felt like home. Being with you, despite the alien surroundings, felt like home. I didn't have to be anything I was not. I just became the best version of myself for you.
Perhaps it was only a dream. Us together. Being together was a dream for both of us. Across seas, cultures, nations and lifestyles, to come together and meet at a spot that we knew we were ultimately the same. Despite not being quite sure why we are the same. We are so different, yet so alike. Two misanthropes finding each other. You always know what I was going to say, what I'm thinking of. And I have no fear letting you know everything. I know what makes you tick and what doesn't. And you trusted me with all of what you could muster up. We believed in each other. Though we know not why. We loved each other, though it was so difficult.
Well, at least, that was before the world of In-Between came crashing down by evil.
Evil magic and evil fate.
We were just not meant to be.
I miss you. And even in reading the Narnia Chronicles, I find you dancing in it.
But thank you, for giving me a fantasy story of mine to call my own. We've been in that world before, and what a wondrous place it is.
My world now pales in absolute comparison.
Posted by lainey at 03:13 AM | Comments (0)
August 16, 2003
49 Things
Because I can't get to sleep. Perhaps I can now.
1) Last dream: I can't even remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. How can I dream if I don't sleep?
2) Last car ride: About a couple of hours ago.
3) Last kiss: Geee, ages ago.
4) Last good cry: Last night.
5) Last Missing Library Book: I never lost any library book.
6) Last movie seen: City of God
7) Last Book Read: The Nania Chronicles: The Magician's Nephew - C.S Lewis
8) Last curse word uttered: fucking
9) Last beverage drank: Jasmine Tea
10) Last food consumed: Hokkien Fried Mee
11) Last crush: Tyrese from 2 Fast 2 Furious. Heh.
12) Last phone call: Teresa called to fix a time for tomorrow.
13) Last TV show watched: Sex & The City
14) Last Item Bought: 25 CD-Rs
15) Last time showered: just a few hours ago.
16) Last shoes worn: my striped turquoise sandals
17) Last CD played: O - Damien Rice
18) Last MP3 Downloaded: Nitin Sawhney - Punjabi
19) Last annoyance: Now - my aching back.
20) Last disappointment: A few minutes ago. He's uncontactable again.
21) Last soda drank: I don't drink soda.
22) Last thing written: This : )
23) Last key used: house key.
24) Last phrase spoken: "Yah, I heard you."
25) Last trip to the bathroom: just a while ago
26) Last sleep: this evening - 5 p.m. - 6 p.m.
27) Last IM: A few hours ago with Kushi
28) Last sexual fantasy: like I'll tell.
29) Last orgasm: refer to above
30) Last weird encounter: refer to a few entries below
31) Last Store Shopped at: Muji
32) Last ice cream eaten: Green Tea Ice-cream from Meiji. It sucks.
33) Last time amused: a few hours ago looking at my friend woohoo-ing as he drove me home
34) Last time wanting to die: a few months ago.
35) Last time in love: I can't remember. And I don't know how to define "in love".
36) Last time hugged: Last Sunday.
37) Last time scolded: Today.
38) Last time resentful: Now. At my bad back.
39) Last chair sat in: the one I'm on now.
40) Last lipstick used: Clinique
41) Last underwear worn: stripeys from Bonds
42) Last bra worn: black Pierre Cardin
43) Last shirt worn: Checkered shirt from French Connection
44) Last class attended: Psychoanalysis and Social Theory
45) Last Final taken: Ideas of Utopia
46) Last time dancing: Last Sunday
47) Last poster looked at: Art for the Deranged
48) Last show attended: A few hours ago
49) Last webpage visited: www.nytimes.com
Posted by lainey at 03:51 AM | Comments (1)
I can't imagine all the
I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams
-Konstantine, Something Corporate
Posted by lainey at 03:06 AM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2003
Singing in The Rain
I felt a faint fluttering in my stomach today. I never thought it would happen. It's the tentative wings of a baby butterfly fresh from its pupae, learning how to fly. I've had the experience of having an army of butterflies flying strongly and profusely in my stomach and though this can hardly compare to the former stampede, it feels refreshing. And it made me smile. I never thought my stomach could nurse any butterflies anymore. It gives me hope, even if it's just a false alarm. Hope that a new life and a new beginning might be possible.
Today's a better day than any I've had for a long while despite the literal telephone marathon I had last night. Maybe it's because I know that I might be going camping again. Maybe it's because of the thunderstorm that washed away the smouldering and intolerable heat which had left me disgruntled and frazzled. Maybe it's the butterflies. Maybe it's music.
I was walking towards the train station today when I saw a bunch of Secondary School boys walking behind me. They were strolling along and singing some boyband song together! I was duly amused and impressed since the prepubescent youths of my past were always awkward in public and could never hold a tune (ha!). So unknowingly, I turned my head towards them, grinned and walked away shyly since I had not intend to grin at them!
Well, they caught my grin and they did what teenage boys were most apt to do. They sang even louder and walked right behind me, joyously marching along and crooning their boyband tune. I couldn't help but burst out laughing. So they laughed along with me and continued singing and trust me, we were a rather ludicrous sight. As we approached the station, a group of Malay boys walked towards us. To my utmost amusement, two of them were singing a most relaxed rendition of Singapura. Of course, I couldn't help but laugh again.
I woke up to a musical world today. The world I thought was the Western world when I was a kid because the only English movies I watched had golden-haired people in them and they would always break into a song and dance number. Well, I had parents who made sure I grew up on a diet of Julie Andrews and Gene Kelly.
Today's world was almost from reel to life.
And I shall end it by watching My Fair Lady on Arts Central.
Thank you, to You-Who-Is-Directing the musical of my life. Thank you for the bizzare but much-appreciated music You give to me.
Posted by lainey at 08:53 PM | Comments (0)
August 11, 2003
Wanderlust @ Friday Five
1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?
Heh. Just got back from Melbourne, Australia. That doesn't count. Does it?
2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?
I got lost in San Francisco. And bumped into my ex's cousin who brought me to safety to my then-boyfriend. Talk about being lucky.
3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?
Bahrain, maybe. Maybe not, because of the weather. But if I have all the money, then I don't have to care about the weather cuz I would afford a/c? Maybe San Francisco. We can always go to SF and hide there forever.
4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?
Only fast cars need apply.
5. What's the next place on your list to visit?
Going back to Melbourne for graduation. So it doesn't count still? New York City is next on the list. Can't wait.
Posted by lainey at 12:43 AM | Comments (0)
August 06, 2003
Children of Heaven
I rushed home from my aunt's place tonight because I know the Mother is waiting for me at home. Late dinner cooked especially for me. And we had wanted to watch Colours of Paradise on Arts Central together. It is a film by the same director who did the acclaimed Children of Heaven and as expected, this movie deals with the psyche of children.
However, it is nothing like Children of Heaven. It left me largely dissatisfied and in tears. In furious tears. Although the many nuances and subtle symbolism employed by Majd Majidi successfully added to the mastery of the film, the narration lacks strength. What the movie lacks in narration, the movie makes up with the actors' marvellous portrayal of the heartfelt characters. The blind boy in the movie, I found out, is really blind in real life and the director caught several of his own natural moments on film for the movie. However, the movie is heartwrenching without any tinge of the bittersweet humour found in Children of Heaven and the ending, though (as much as I hate to admit) apt, left my heart gaping.
For purely maudlin reasons, I prefer Children of Heaven. It is certainly a far more superior movie. Perhaps the director is banking on the success of the former film and trying to re-create another wonder of a movie with futile attempts. And also, this movie got me angry. Angry at the director. Angry at the world. And almost angry at God. So after the movie, I called Jerome long-distance to rant about it to him. He tried to pacify me about the ending (which I shall not divulge) but I see no justice in the world. Not the movie. Not in anything. I know the world is ugly, but must we only find hope with such metaphysical methods?
For as the blind boy said, "Teacher said that God loves people and loves blind people a little bit more. But if God loves blind people a little bit more, why does God make them blind then?"
No adult has the answer to such a question.
Posted by lainey at 11:18 PM | Comments (3)
Book Reports
I've finally decided to pick up a couple of books to read. After the dismal beginning(since my return from Melbourne) of Orwell's nineteen eightyfour, I've decided to scrap reading it. Again. Funny how it is that when the Mother saw me reading the book again, she threatened to throw it away if I don't finish the entire book this time. That was my fourth attempt at finishing the apocalyptic book. However, each time I read it, I will stash it away mid-read. I can never bear to read the ending (maybe because I already know how it will end) and thus I will always drag through the story without ever finishing it. I made it past Part Two this time round, but I just couldn't read it anymore. Paralysis followed. For a while, I thought it was because I just lost the ability to read. But it's just the book that's at it again. Well, I will try again next time round.
So thereafter, I picked up David Benioff's 25th Hour. I'd loved Spike Lee's movie adaptation of the novel and I absolutely adore Barry Pepper and Ed Norton in the movie, so the natural course of action would be for me to read the novel and make a comparison of the both. And I still can't decide between a fabulous movie and a marvellous book. So don't ask me. ;) And I so love New York after reading the book. But of course.
Now, upon a new friend's reccomendation, I'm reading Maya Angelou's I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings. It looks set to wrench my heart and reading it brings me to the hot, scorching SouthWest and makes me forget that I'm in the smouldering heat of Singapore. I will write more about it when I finish it.
However, I've also started reading the Narnia Chronicles again. C.S Lewis never fails to fascinate me even though I had to be coerced by the Mother to read his books when I was younger. Lately, I've been employed to be the reading companion for a dyslexic child and I thought that the Narnia Chronicles would be a good way to get her started, and get myself to finally finish reading the damned books. Well, it turns out that the kid finished reading the Narnia Chronicles! I'm so ashamed of myself I'd better finish them too. In the meantime, we shall read Anne Frank together.
Do I love books? Of course! ;)
Posted by lainey at 03:27 PM | Comments (4)
August 02, 2003
Reason to Smile
I smile my secret smile at the tiniest resemblance of a blessing.
Because I know, I mustn't take anything for granted these days and I'm grateful for every reason to smile that comes along my way.
Thank you. For making me smile my secret smile today.
Thank you. For giving me a reason to smile today.
Thank you. :)
Listening to: Konstantine - Something Corporate
Posted by lainey at 05:22 PM | Comments (3)
August 01, 2003
Maiden Food Poisoning Experience
Stomach painpain wor!!!!!
-pouts and fishes for affection-
Posted by lainey at 12:40 AM | Comments (0)