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July 23, 2003
Missing Melbourne 1 - Back In Singapore
I've been back for about six weeks or so already. And I can safely say that I've done nothing much. Home still doesn't feel like home. I still feel like I don't belong. And I just live life day by day, waiting for the day I can leave Singapore again.
And I know, that day might not come too soon. But I look forward to the little forms of reprieve that will be coming my way. Like my trip to Melbourne again next month, even though tho it'd be just for a week. Like my trip to the States at the end of the year.
I spend my days doing nothing. And doing nothing makes me feel abjectly terrible. I've not finished reading a book. I don't exercise regularly. I don't even commit my beauty regime regularly. My blogging feels life-less. My writing feels meaningless. I don't write well. I don't write in my journals as much as I should. Though, slowly, I'm trying to climb out of this nothingness. I'm doing it out of sheer duty and not will. And it shows. It shows in my inability to continue writing or to be moved by the things that surround me. Singapore has always failed to inspire me. And it is most obvious now.
I try to replicate my life back in Melbourne. I cook for myself. But the food doesn't taste the same. I do my own laundry. But it's no longer therapeutic. My mother has ceased bugging me to do anything. I think she is much resigned and giving me my own space.
I just want to be inspired. Into living life. Into moving with people and getting to know them. Into seeing the world around me, and being awe struck.But no, each day I live now, each breath I take. I take so that time would pass and my time in Singapore will be over soon.
How can one possibly feel this way in the country one was brought up in? And inevitably, I possess an immense self-loathe for myself because of this. Because, I don't want to turn into one of those whine-y idiots who hate Singapore. I just don't want to.
Posted by lainey at July 23, 2003 10:07 AM
Comments
There are things that everyone does not like about Singapore. Take me, for instance, I have a thousand and one things I dislike about Singapore. But it is still home. Becaause this is where my heart is, though my mind longs to be elsewhere.
Posted by: dante at July 23, 2003 09:32 PM
hhahaha QUITTER. come.. forget singapore. fly back to me ma love! come be my maid.. you can cook me yummy pasta, do my laundry and we'll have breakfasts in the morning and conversations late into the night again.
miss you lots... sigh. *hugs* hang in there
Posted by: mew at July 23, 2003 09:52 PM
im glad your heart has found a home. maybe mine will find one someday too. every heart differs, however similar the origin.
Posted by: lainey at July 23, 2003 10:30 PM
fuck it. go go go. who gives a shit. i want to fly fly fly away. i don't feel as if there's anything or anyone that makes me want to stay -- if only there was some place i could go. family doesn't count -- they hold you back, not make you want to stay.
https://jobs.un.org/release1/vacancy/vacancy.asp
Posted by: da blind mouse at July 25, 2003 08:09 AM
"home is where the heart is"... what a lousy government slogan. Do yourself a favor and get the hell out of this big oversized shopping mall called singapore. what's there in singapore to aspire to other than shopping, eating out, living in a lousy cement box (otherwise known as an hdb flat) and growing old.
Posted by: jeff at September 27, 2003 04:13 PM
I yearn for a life like yours.what i would'nt give...seems your heart has found it home.live choose to live your life....don't be like the rest here.....they have to learn how to live...my heart goes out to you.
Posted by: jinhahn at May 31, 2004 03:00 AM
Singapore just sucks.
Its all about $$$$$$
Posted by: Jake at February 7, 2006 04:20 PM