« June 2003 | Main | August 2003 »
July 30, 2003
Catharsis
After so long, I've finally started crying again.
Posted by lainey at 04:39 AM | Comments (3)
July 24, 2003
Heartbreakers
We broke each other's hearts.
And you said you don't want to talk to me. That you are not ready to talk to me. That you will talk to me when you are ready.
What if you will never be ready?
To talk to me again.
To love me again.
To be with me again.
What if you stop loving me?
What if you forget I ever existed in your life, and perhaps, your heart?
What if you find someone new? Someone you can love more than you'd ever loved me?
What if?
I don't want you to find someone else. I would rather you remain alone for the rest of your life. I am not so noble as to wish you well. I want you to love me till the very last. To the very end. Even if we can't be together.
Because you'd be mine. My very last.
You broke my heart.
And I broke yours.
I guess we can finally call it quits.
That our actions cancel out each other.
To make an equation that comes to naught.
Two broken hearts equals a relationship that can never be. Will never be.
Two broken hearts equals goodbye forever.
I'm sorry I broke your heart. I never meant for things to turn out this way.
But I'm not sure if you are sorry you broke mine. Even when I know you didn't mean for us to turn out this way either.
Posted by lainey at 01:49 AM | Comments (0)
July 23, 2003
Missing Melbourne 1 - Back In Singapore
I've been back for about six weeks or so already. And I can safely say that I've done nothing much. Home still doesn't feel like home. I still feel like I don't belong. And I just live life day by day, waiting for the day I can leave Singapore again.
And I know, that day might not come too soon. But I look forward to the little forms of reprieve that will be coming my way. Like my trip to Melbourne again next month, even though tho it'd be just for a week. Like my trip to the States at the end of the year.
I spend my days doing nothing. And doing nothing makes me feel abjectly terrible. I've not finished reading a book. I don't exercise regularly. I don't even commit my beauty regime regularly. My blogging feels life-less. My writing feels meaningless. I don't write well. I don't write in my journals as much as I should. Though, slowly, I'm trying to climb out of this nothingness. I'm doing it out of sheer duty and not will. And it shows. It shows in my inability to continue writing or to be moved by the things that surround me. Singapore has always failed to inspire me. And it is most obvious now.
I try to replicate my life back in Melbourne. I cook for myself. But the food doesn't taste the same. I do my own laundry. But it's no longer therapeutic. My mother has ceased bugging me to do anything. I think she is much resigned and giving me my own space.
I just want to be inspired. Into living life. Into moving with people and getting to know them. Into seeing the world around me, and being awe struck.But no, each day I live now, each breath I take. I take so that time would pass and my time in Singapore will be over soon.
How can one possibly feel this way in the country one was brought up in? And inevitably, I possess an immense self-loathe for myself because of this. Because, I don't want to turn into one of those whine-y idiots who hate Singapore. I just don't want to.
Posted by lainey at 10:07 AM | Comments (7)
July 20, 2003
Simple Pleasures
Verily, life is beginning to find its way into my life again. Maybe it's all perspective. And a night of sleep (finally!) is perhaps, what is most required for perspective to be gained.
In restrospect, I had a fairly good day yesterday. Went to Shan's place and hung out with her like old times. I think she was trying to figure French out while I read 8days(bleahz lol). After a while, we tossed reading material aside and shared some good conversation. Then I met another friend for dinner and icecream. I like icecream :p And I like chestnuts. Go figure. Go Kuri. LOL.
You know how little things in life can make one smile? Despite the fact that I didn't sleep a wink the night before, yesterday was one of those days when it happened. It's like going to a friend's place after so many years and having her mom still remember me and asking about me, chatting with me, drinking lemonade...and sharing a dinner table with a mother and son and have her little son devour plate after plate of barbequed chicken wings because it's so good and he only gets to make a monthly pilgrimage to Chomp Chomp (the mother explained) ...and eating icecream and the ice cream guy being nice and friendly giving me an extra scoop of icecream and a cuppa iced tea which was so good I bought a bottle...:)
Then, this morning, I was awakened by the rain (it rains precisely at 6 every morning now, I'm not kidding) so I replied T's emails and messaged another friend to wish him a safe trip because he is going back to London. Then I put on some jazz and just lay in bed listening to the rain and the jazz playing in the background.
Then somehow, I decided to check my defunct email account. And maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the serenity I felt, maybe it's Jobim - I found your birthday greeting (not belated) stashed amidst junk mail. One simple line "Have a very happy birthday :)" made my day. I don't ask more much. I only ask that you remember. :) And of course, you remembered the easiest email address, even after umpteenth reminder that it's defunct. You are rebellious like that.
Now, Dad just woke up. Seemingly pleased to see that I'm awake (my parents are anal about waking hours) and that I've done my laundry. He's making Sunday breakfast. I miss my dad. In the strangest way. Ever since he went back to work, he's been so busy. Our relationship had improved drastically based on his strange experimental cooking and my willingness to be his guinea pig. This morning, he's cooking up a storm again. And I 'm waiting to be amused. Mom will never eat his cooking, nor mine. So we only have each other on this issue. :)
So today, life seems good. The Sunday seems fine without that much sun. Yet. The rain is thanked for (but I can't go running!). Maybe that's all life needs to be.
A little smile, a little rain, a little jazz.
Posted by lainey at 07:16 AM | Comments (0)
July 19, 2003
Twenty-Three and Over
The past few days and weeks haven't been particularly good. I've been mostly cooped up at home, only meeting up with people on the rarest of occasion. My room is in a huge mess and I either eat non-stop, or not eat at all.
Most of all, I was convinced this is going to be the worst birthday yet. Ever. Totally.
Surprisingly, it began to be pretty alright. People who cared started sending their greetings as early as 12 midnight. Dad sent me a birthday greeting when he was at work in the morning, despite bereting me for my lack of sleep (surprise. surprise) right before he left. I managed to hurl myself out of the house for thai food with Mom (Dad couldn't make it) and went grocery shopping and pretty much got all the food I need.
Giving tuition was obligatory but along the way, I had many more phonecalls and text messages. Son kept trying to call me from Phuket (where he's holidaying at the moment) and o-i-do-miss-him and yes he did make my day. :) Even people I was convinced will not care, called and showed they care. In tiny ways.
Sis came by with the delectable durian cake from Goodwood Park Hotel. It has tons of vanilla cubes on it for toppings! Totally sinful but all of us loved it, even the dog Riki. Apparantly, Mom had told Sis how I loved the durian puffs the other time.
But I felt abit sick thereafter.
So now, in retrospect, I had a quiet birthday. And even though the definitive well-wishing did not arrive and I'm rendered heartbroken, I'm quietly appreciative. I mean, did I believe that he would call at all? After all that has happened?
Life's not too bad. I've come this far, all we have to do is to move on. Move on. And walk on for the rest of our lives.
Posted by lainey at 04:06 AM | Comments (0)
July 18, 2003
I thought I would be
I thought I would be insufferable today. But Dad messaged me a huge happy birthday greeting from work, and strangely enough, that made my day.
I didn't expect any well-wishing to matter. But apparantly, this one did.
Little comforts in a bigbig messed-up life.
Posted by lainey at 02:15 PM | Comments (0)
July 16, 2003
Why settle for walking when
Why settle for walking when you once had flown?
Because the wings are broken.
Posted by lainey at 12:55 PM | Comments (0)
July 13, 2003
Fun because we went to
Fun because we went to the Book Cafe and I saw a cafe with a concept that I would like to have someday.
Fun because we walked to Clarke Quay and saw "campy" stuff and tried cheap cheongsams and laughed.
Fun because we walked from Clarke Quay to Mustafa. I like walking. :)
Fun because we went aisle and aisle by Mustafa. And that place is fun and good late-night hang-out.
Thanks Shan :p
Posted by lainey at 06:03 AM | Comments (0)
July 11, 2003
Mermaiden dreams
late night swimming. pitch dark water. i swim without goggles. so i pretty much can't see a thing. hanging by the pool. hopping around, laughing-giggling, chatting with cloudy.
Friday night doesn't seem too shabby.
:)
Posted by lainey at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)
Damnation
It's not that I want to get back together with him, because I don't. I don't want to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.
It's just that I find it hard to meet someone else with the same moral values as him. Because that's what I'm used to, and that's what I like.
For a while, I met someone I could actually trust, and not be paranoid about. I met someone who can connect with me on that precise level of trust.
I broke that trust.
And I broke the relationship of trust.
Even when our relationship was largely long-distance, I never once worried about him being with someone else. Never once.
So it dawned upon me that maybe I will have to bring my own moral standards down, or wait furtively before I meet someone who is like him again.
It's all pretty doomed. Isn't it?
Posted by lainey at 05:00 PM | Comments (0)
July 09, 2003
Languid Expressions
Perhaps I am supposed to write.
Simply because I've gotten a new computer and cable connection. I am part of the connected world once again.
Simply because I have a PC right by my bed again.
My bed. My room. Blue paint and all.
This morning, Jerome dropped by and commented :
Your room looks like some intense shit. Dark blue paint. So many books. So many CDs, so many toys.
Many?
I've thrown so many away already. There's still much more left.
I'm supposed to write. About being back here in humid, stifling Singapore. About being away from Melbourne.
I try to replicate the life I've learnt to build for myself in Melbourne. And, surprisingly, my parents leave me alone to the extent I feel bewildering. I shouldn't be complaining, whining, or whatever.
But I am.
Lost and knowing naught what to do.
The gaping hole where my heart once was feels slightly achey.
We will learn to re-establish life slowly.
In the meantime, there are always distractors around.
Even words feel disjointed. I told you aphasia is crippling. And now you have to believe me.
Posted by lainey at 02:34 PM | Comments (1)
July 06, 2003
And so I miss my
And so I miss my weekly pillar of support. In Jonathan - the shrink, shrinker, shrinkerity.
Posted by lainey at 12:58 AM | Comments (0)
Stuck Stucker Stuckerity
I'm not depressed, I'm not maniac, I'm not insane.
I'm just feeling sad. Immeasurably sad; with no where to go, and no one to turn to.
So life goes on. With a tan.
Posted by lainey at 12:56 AM | Comments (0)
July 05, 2003
Reality bites
Reality is a labyrinth. And at the heart of it, you find a monster. A minotaur - half-human, half-beast.
At the heart of it, you find the worst version of yourself.
Posted by lainey at 03:08 PM | Comments (0)
July 03, 2003
no good. of course it
no good.
of course it hasn't been good.
we stay optimistic. and smile bravely.
repress everything else. :)
Posted by lainey at 10:15 PM | Comments (0)