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May 31, 2003
Things That Make Lainey Go MmMmm...Smile :)
1) Hanging out with Wendy and Bink and Tiff. :)
2) Gelati's Ice-cream
3) Going on the swing with Mel :) (I finally found someone who loves playgrounds like I do!)
4) French backpackers and a hobo on the tram
Posted by lainey at 07:24 PM | Comments (2)
May 30, 2003
In The Middle of No Where
And of course, I'm feeling down again. Don't let those entries deceive you, don't let those cooked dinners, lazy chit-chats and a social disposition let you in on the innermost of my dark dark thoughts.
Dark dark thoughts. Of love, loved, un-loves and unloving. Thoughts of leaving, staying, going. Where? Thoughts of this and that and everything else but nothing truly grasp. My thoughts are all floating around, with not safe landing spot yet. I can't, I can't and I am unable to deal with anything now. I have got papers to write dammit! But of course, I can't write them either.
Freud. Freud. Lacan. Calvino. Rushdie. It really is not that hard you know. You have come so far to give up now? You have come so far to screw up now?
I only want to know you still love me.
I only need to know you still love me.
There's people to deal with. Friends. Supposed friends. Would-be friends. And expired ones. What about the family. The Mom you love-hate so much. The Sis you love-hate so much. And the Father you are trying to get to know.
There's Melbourne. And Singapore. And maybe, San Diego, or Tokyo. There's leaving. There's returning. There's settling. There's going. There's heaven. There's hell. There's hating. And there's obligating.
And there's the one. The one that I can't get away from. The one that can make everything right. Just because.
But nothing works. And nothing is truthfully dealt with. Shrink sessions, like dreams, or nightmares, remain detached from actual life. There's no difference to be made. There's no help provided. No relief. No solution. Nowhere to go.
So there's nothing to do. You can't screw up now. Please. Try harder. Try your best. Please.
Okay, I will try. I will be Freud's whore if that's what it takes for me to live.
Wish me luck.
Listening to: Faithless's Introspective album
Posted by lainey at 07:22 PM | Comments (2)
May 27, 2003
Today
Having read Salman Rushdie's Shame (and being blown away by it) and preparing for it, then presenting it in class took up all my energies for the day.
In between, I found time to eat alot, fall sick, binge on medication (in a futile attempt to recover), sleep alot, and have an absolutely scary nightmare.
I also found time to gripe to a friend, find another friend irritating and have a debate with a pighead.
I wonder if it's Rushdie's sobering writing that made me misanthropic, or me being sick, or me being PMS-sy, or just me being me.
Whatever it is. I am feeling misanthropic. But to most of the world, I don my sweet sick mask of smiles and cordialities.
-fumes-
But I'm thankful too. For sweet people in my life. Like Sis, like Grace, like Tiffy and Fangying and Travis and so much more. And for my professors and their neverending kind understanding.
But it takes just one nightmare, to screw your entire life over.
-fumes smiles fumes-
Revelation:
I'm a romantic misanthrope.
Listening to:
London - Cinerama
Looking Forward To:
Upcoming Travel Plans
Posted by lainey at 05:52 PM | Comments (0)
May 26, 2003
Movies
Over the weekend, I watched Matrix:Reloaded and Powder. And even though there is no reason to make a comparison, I preferred the Matrix to Powder. In fact, what is there not to like about the Matrix? (The bit where Trinity was revived was totally ridiculous though, I burst out laughing at that point.)
Too much CGI? Too much hype? Too much what?? I think a movie should be observed as a movie and all the hype surrounded it shouldn't make it any less, or any better a movie. As for too much CGI, I do think that to achieve that level of CGI, and mastery in the level, is amazing and wholly superior. I would give credit to all the computer people in the movie. The action sequences are superb. The girls are fab (I loved Niobe and Persephone to bits) and the guys are okay....(Neo is Neo is Neo). The Architect reminded me of my boring Philosophy professor and I think Morpheus is silly and somewhat ridiculous but I do understand why he is the way he is.
My point is. What is there not to like about the movie for it to garner that much criticism? It has too much spiritual, religious connotations? Why not? It doesn't slam it direct into your face and I don't think it's postulating any belief, just providing food for thought. It's too "deep" (argh..I absolutely hate this Singaporean term, nothing is "deep" or "not deep", it's only a matter of how much effort you choose to delve into the issue.) ? I think it's pretty straightforward and no brainfucking involved. It doesn't sit you down to wonder what happened. It just sit you down to make notes for further discussion. It says what it means and you understand. The story unfolds itself reasonably and there's not hidden messages or anything around.
Ok. Maybe the massive discussions on the Matrix in my Kant and Plato classes has made philosophizing about the who, what and why questions of life mundane to me. Maybe its because I "think too much" (damn those people who accuse me of that) that I think there's not much to think about in this movie. But still, my point is, what is there not to like about it?
It's not a fabulous fantastic movie. But it certainly didn't deserve all that criticism. Seriously, I wouldnt mind watching it again. And I am looking forward to Revolutions. It's entertaining shit..and isn't that what we are looking for these days? Enter a theatre, get away from the doldrums of life for a couple of hours and get sucked into an alternative reality where your life doesn't matter, and their lives do. Even if it's only for a few hours.
And if a movie succeeds in sucking me into the movie, I'm pleased and content.
It is a good jumping board for further discussions. It doesn't make the movie any less or more profound. Every movie has the ability to bring that effect it. Subtly, or more blatantly. Matrix is right there blatantly. But movies like Terminator, Johnny Mnemonic, City of Angels or even -thinks hard- X-Men 2 (just to name a pittance FEW), ask the same questions, provide the similar jumping boards for us, the viewer, to spring into a discussion of something that relates more to our existence. To our being.
So why not?
And if you don't want to talk about life. Enjoy the action sequences (it is action packed), the pretty gals (Persephone is hot! And yes, I'm straight.), or simply marvel at the wonders of technology, spawning out such breath-taking CGI. Simply put, be entertained. And give Keanu Reeves a break.
As for Powder, I just find it too incredulous.
disclaimer: my thoughts are jumbled, and my grammar bordering on ridiculous ( I KNOW) but I just wanted to get this out and I have a ton of work to do. So puh-leese, do not judge me on my grammar. -paranoid look-
Posted by lainey at 11:48 AM | Comments (2)
May 23, 2003
The New Prozac
Consumer Therapy works best for me! :) Hee...
I max'ed out my card today. Paying for my air-ticket, two pairs of shoes, a pair of earrings and a pair of jeans.
Oooh...I'm just so broke. But I'm soooo happy!!!! :)
Going to watch the Matrix now.
YAY!!!!!!!!!
Bouncybouncyboinggggg!!!!
Posted by lainey at 05:23 PM | Comments (0)
May 22, 2003
Words Of Wisdom
I finished reading Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities yesterday. It's a beautiful beautiful book. I didn't quite understand the beauty of the book in the beginning. In fact, I found it sporadic and pointless. I admit, when I first picked it up, I rushed through it.
Then my professor thought me that, some books, like good wine, should be sipped and tasted slowly. Appreciated for every nuance and subtlety, and not gobbled like fast food.
Calvino's Invisible Cities is like fine art to me. A work of masterpiece. Everyone can look at it. But only when you stand in front of it, observing every brush stroke, every etching, every colour tone, do you realise the absolute beauty of it.
I thought of cloudy when I read it. It's of course, about citylife, in a way. Cloudy and I have always had the problem. Being torn between running away and staying in Singapore. Appreciating Singapore and appreciating other cities. Prof taught in class, my entire class of dreamers, came to the conclusion. That life, cities, countries and whatever. Should not be taken ad nauseum. It is not the tourist attractions or the defining works of architecture that makes the difference. It's the little things. Like reading a book in a cafe, watching people go by in a park, taking your little stuffed animal out on a spring day, walking along the streets on your own, taking a train to-and-fro. It's these little beauties, that make the experience of a city beautiful.
We are dwellers, we are romantics.
We are not part of the fast food nation that require instant gratification.
We need to look into the alleys, and look at the presumed ugly, to find the beauty.
Calvino is wonderful. And so is my ITC class. :)
Here's my two favourite bits of the book.
"Memory's images, once they are fixed in words, are erased," Polo said. "Perhaps I am afraid of losing Venice all at once, if I speak of it. Or perhaps, speaking of other cities, I have already lost it, little by little."
You reach a moment in life when, among the people you have known, the dead out-number the living. And the mind refuses to accept more faces, more expressions: on every new face you encounter, it prints the old forms, for each one it finds the most suitable mask.
Posted by lainey at 03:07 PM | Comments (2)
May 21, 2003
Short but Heart-wrenching
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its colors.
--W.S. Merwin Separation
Posted by lainey at 09:25 PM | Comments (0)
News for The Masses
Eating breakfast and reading my daily dosage of the StraitsTimesOnline, I was suddenly hit by a wave of sadness. The news provided in Singapore is too skewed and too one-sided. And sometimes, I do think, that is where media hegemony is really taking place.
The Indonesian Separatist issues have always hit a soft spot for me. East Timor (now liberated), West Papua and Aceh. Right now, the Aceh issue is in the limelight and violence has resurged. And the Straits Times' article on it reflects merely an errant province fighting against its rightful "patriachal" overlord. Terms like "rebels" are used. And reading it, we would think that it's another uprising by a group of mindless and wrongly-motivated good-for-nothings creating nothing by trouble. That is not the case. Aceh, as to East Timor and West Papua, has a case for demanding separation. And the atrocities committed towards the Acehnese and the West Papuans, it seems, go undocumented in The Straits Times either. As a nation who separated from Malaysia in 1965 and faced alot of problems, I'd expected Singapore to be a little more sympathetic, or rather, empathetic.
In addition to the news article that The Straits Times published, The Age also reports the other side of the story. Thus, as much as I do not have time to write about the entire story, I urge you to take a little read and never never take whatever's presented in front of your eyes, for what's real.
I'm rambling. Being wrought by emotions, being too tired, having just awaken and having a sore back. But I hope I made, but a little sense.
Posted by lainey at 07:19 AM | Comments (0)
May 20, 2003
Laura The Spider
I found a lil present from fangying at my door....and she demands her photo taken...
and yet again, she loves her home...
and with her new best friend, Jack "Stitches" London
Posted by lainey at 06:05 PM | Comments (1)
A Long Autumn
This site is finally working again which bodes well for me since of late, I've been in want of conversation. And that would include writing my thoughts here and make-believing that I'm having a little chat with you. Whoever all of you are.
Autumn is Beautiful and unusually long this year. It's like God knows it's my last Autumn in Melbourne and has decided to bestow me with the best yet. Light pitter patter Rain, Sun shining, unbeatable Cool weather that doesn't require bulky winter coats. Yet.
It makes life easier. I breathe better. And each time I walk around Melbourne, I'm shrouded in a cloud of awe. I'm in awe that, despite all the tumultuous emotional entanglements I manage to get myself into, there remains a certain beauty tinged with the marvellous red and brown of an Autumn Air, to remind me that all is not lost. And Life has to go on.
And Life does go on. In this unbelievably strange world in which I can't tell what is which and which is what anymore. I have a month to graduation and in the midst of ferocious reading and procrastinated typing, I weave in between crowds trying to look for Who I am and What I want. Along the way, little snippets of issues pop out to remind me of what I really have to do. We might live in a world of total Confusion. But like Leaves falling from the Trees into a mangled Heap, we might ultimately be swept into a neat little Pile.
I don't what to think and what to do about most issues. But I do know, that this Autumn is indeed Breath-taking. And right now, that's enough to help me get through till the End of Days.
Will post pictures up soon. :)
Posted by lainey at 07:42 AM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2003
It's not funny...
...my mom and I spent my entire childhood dreaming of Harvard. Until I went insane, that is.
And now, even grad school seems out of sight.
Harvard
You're the best -- you know it, as does everyone
else (except for US News and World Report every
few years). You might not be hip, you might not
be pretty, but you're smart as a whip and you
never need to do another impressive thing in
your life.
Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
Posted by lainey at 05:46 AM | Comments (0)
May 10, 2003
Food.
Inspired by Joen, I figured a public record of what I eat, will actually reduce how much I eat. I don't exactly eat meals, but I will record whatever I eat here with effect from today.
And please, feel free to holler if you think I'm eating too much. And be appalled. I need control.
Food is not emotional gratification.
11/5/03 0700hrs - 2400hrs
1) Korean instant noodles 8am
slept from 8am - 6pm
2) orange - 6pm
3) half a plate of beef hor fun - 8pm
4) A choc-coated vanilla popsicle - 10pm
5) A mug of milo - 12pm
Is that alot? :(
Yes it is.
:(
Posted by lainey at 09:01 PM | Comments (0)
Porponta Porponta Foo
For FY, the "present" as promised.
:)
-waves-
Posted by lainey at 12:26 AM | Comments (0)
May 07, 2003
Moving Away
I never thought I'd come to this.
but I don't believe anymore.
I don't believe in love anymore.
I don't believe in hope anymore.
I don't and i wouldn't believe in anyone anymore.
I shall only believe in myself. and breathing, forevermore
Posted by lainey at 05:57 PM | Comments (0)
i'm trying on a new
i'm trying on a new life.
wait for me while i attempt to either:
1) repress and deny who i am
2) become cynical
3) become who i really am
4) just breathe
I've learnt to believe in Nietszche.
Posted by lainey at 02:30 AM | Comments (0)
May 03, 2003
Tonight's Nemesis
Posted by lainey at 11:27 PM | Comments (0)
May 02, 2003
Music Maketh The Soul
I just had to do this week's Friday Five...;) But it's done off the head, so no, the answers are not definitive. :)
1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
haha...To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks. I'm a suckerrrrrr.
2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
Make me cry? That's an exaggeration. Maybe make me sad.
The Drugs Don't Work - Ben Harper, or The Verve
More than Us - Travis
3. Name three songs that turn you on.
Inaudible Melodies - Jack Johnson
Morning Song - Jewel
Girl From Ipanema - Jobim
4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
Feel good? When I get turned on...I feel good...LOL
inaudible melodies - Jack Johnson
Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Lauryn Hill
L O V E - Nat King Cole
Let It Be Me - Everly Brothers
5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
thats so tough..I can't do without LOADS of songs.
I'll Back You Up - Dave Matthews Band
Full of Grace - Sarah Machlaclan
Forgiven - David Meece
Inaudible Melodies - Jack Johnson
Have Yourself A Merry Christmas - Ella Fitzgerald(I'm not kidding!)
Posted by lainey at 09:42 PM | Comments (0)
May 01, 2003
I'm still on sabbatical...but this is too hilarious to resist...
and times like this, we need to soak up on the humour...
Right after "footsie turns me on", another Patron found its way here for "lainey XXX".
Oh dear, even though, I'm gonna watch Vin Diesel's xXx on video in the next few days, it certainly aint the kinda XXX you'd be looking for....
This is not a porn site!
This is not a sex site!
And I just generated more search results for lonely people in search for gratification, eh?
-cheap thrill laugh-
kekekekekkekeke
Music to listen to: Fly Away - Corrine May
[back to sabbatical mode]
Posted by lainey at 05:42 AM | Comments (0)