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May 30, 2003
In The Middle of No Where
And of course, I'm feeling down again. Don't let those entries deceive you, don't let those cooked dinners, lazy chit-chats and a social disposition let you in on the innermost of my dark dark thoughts.
Dark dark thoughts. Of love, loved, un-loves and unloving. Thoughts of leaving, staying, going. Where? Thoughts of this and that and everything else but nothing truly grasp. My thoughts are all floating around, with not safe landing spot yet. I can't, I can't and I am unable to deal with anything now. I have got papers to write dammit! But of course, I can't write them either.
Freud. Freud. Lacan. Calvino. Rushdie. It really is not that hard you know. You have come so far to give up now? You have come so far to screw up now?
I only want to know you still love me.
I only need to know you still love me.
There's people to deal with. Friends. Supposed friends. Would-be friends. And expired ones. What about the family. The Mom you love-hate so much. The Sis you love-hate so much. And the Father you are trying to get to know.
There's Melbourne. And Singapore. And maybe, San Diego, or Tokyo. There's leaving. There's returning. There's settling. There's going. There's heaven. There's hell. There's hating. And there's obligating.
And there's the one. The one that I can't get away from. The one that can make everything right. Just because.
But nothing works. And nothing is truthfully dealt with. Shrink sessions, like dreams, or nightmares, remain detached from actual life. There's no difference to be made. There's no help provided. No relief. No solution. Nowhere to go.
So there's nothing to do. You can't screw up now. Please. Try harder. Try your best. Please.
Okay, I will try. I will be Freud's whore if that's what it takes for me to live.
Wish me luck.
Listening to: Faithless's Introspective album
Posted by lainey at May 30, 2003 07:22 PM
Comments
when the going gets tough, the tough makes pancakes. If life gets a little lonely, there is always a number to call and a walk to go for. :)
century egg porridge & deep fried quail anyone?
big hugs.
Posted by: mew at May 30, 2003 09:07 PM
I can understand how you feel. Play a nice song and hope for the better. The best thing about living is hope.
Posted by: dante at June 1, 2003 01:31 AM