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April 30, 2003
A Brief Respite
"Great griefs in small souls...Not too much psychology but sympathetic understanding of human grief...To make the world weep - therein lies everything..."
-Giacomo Puccini
On a funny note, a google search for "footsie turns me on" found its way to my site. Gee. Sorry Mr/Ms FootFetish, you must be disappointed to see a daisy on my page. Heh. And yeah, I do have ugly feet, but I adore shoes. What am I talking about, I shall go back to sleep. And yes, I'm still alive.
Posted by lainey at 10:35 PM | Comments (1)
April 19, 2003
I'm on emotional sabbatical, but
I'm on emotional sabbatical, but I would share what I'm reading, and a couple of thoughts at the same time.
p/s: is that enough for you? :p
"According to Sartre, self-worth is partially instilled in us by the words of others. Those who are closest to us naturally have a greater say. Like most children, Flaubert's first connection to the world was through his parents. It was on the surface a loving relationship, but Sartre observes that a child needs more. A growing child's needs to know that his existence is justified and important. His projects, however small, must be nurtured and criticized, examined and approved through the loving use of language. In this way, the child has guardrails to hold on to, knowing that he is not alone in the universe. "This is not a conjecture," Sartre writes. "A child must have a mandate to live, the parents are the authorities who issue the mandate." One way a parent can communicate this mandate is by constant communication, reinforced by loving words and caring actions. Flaubert seems to have missed out on such parental valorization. Without this attention, the future novelist frustrated easily, turned within and stayed quiet far longer than the happier children his age."
-Eric Bronson
I think? I think there's too much pressure on parents. And none of them can live up to such expectations. Tough luck baby.
Posted by lainey at 12:58 AM | Comments (2)
April 14, 2003
Till Next Time, Folks.
Dear Lou,
We learned so much
I realize we won't be able to talk for some time
And I understand that as I do you
The long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career, your whereabouts
-Unsent, Alanis Morisette
Posted by lainey at 01:39 PM | Comments (0)
April 13, 2003
Rainy DAy
Rainy day, and none too cold weather. Reminds me of Singapore in DEcember, or San Francisco in Summer.
Finds a place in my heart, and settles there.
Comfortably.
Yes. We can fade away into peaceful oblivion now.
I love the rain, you know? I really do love the rain.
Posted by lainey at 03:01 PM | Comments (1)
April 12, 2003
Is anyone out there?
In between the postmodern architecture of Disney's Swan and Dolphin hotels, I feel immeasurably alone. So alone I can hear the silence screaming in my head. Resounding to a vibration that almost hurts. Wait. It hurts. Hurts to the point of aloneness. Alone to the point of hurting. So I ask, tonight, today, is anyone out there. And if there is, can any of you respond? Perhaps, to help alleviate the pain, the silence (can't tell the difference anymore) a little.
Thank you.
Is anyone out there?
Posted by lainey at 09:57 PM | Comments (4)
April 11, 2003
to prepare for winter, i
to prepare for winter, i took my winter clothes out. and that includes his sweatshirt.
and i cuddled it. it still smells of him.
and i miss him so.
Posted by lainey at 12:35 AM | Comments (0)
April 10, 2003
No matter what, today is still a better day than yesterday, and hopefully, not a better day than tomorrow.
I've been tired. And rather unwell. The perpetual headache hits, but like to a few years ago, I've learnt to accept it as part of me.
Hi, I'm Lainey With A Headache. Yes, the Headache. That Headache. The One that keeps visioned blurred, walking slow, and conversation distracted.
I thought I've been sleeping alot lately. And alot of guilt ensues whenever I think like that. Boon reasoned my sleeping hours to me. And I realised, gee, I've not been sleeping enough at all. Fragmented naps do not qualify for sleep, apparantly.
No wonder Sis is concerned for me. She told me to recover well. Sleep is the best form of recovery, and recuperation. Autumn's falling. I should sleep soon.
I tried to sleep just now. All drugged up and excited to sleep, to rest. The neck, ahh..the neck is killing me, so is the head. So I tried to sleep. And images of Disney's Swan Hotel came to my mind instead. Pillars and pillars of bright postmodern colours. I have to get up.
Yes, I get it, I have to write my paper on the damned hotel. Paper on Postmodern Architecture.
What? Are you commiting academia suicide writing on a subject you have absolutely no idea about?
I'm just curious. I always am. I always write about the stuff I'm curious about. That's why I get all the shit grades.
I'm only consoling myself, I get shit grades no matter.
And as I told a friend, 2 months and 15 000 words to go , before I leave Melbourne.
Listening to: You & Only You - The Softies
Posted by lainey at 11:47 PM | Comments (0)
April 09, 2003
The postmodern reply to the
The postmodern reply to the modern consists of recognizing that the past, since it cannot really be destroyed, because its destruction leads to silence, must be revisitied; but with irony, not innocently. I think of the postmodern attitude as that of a man who loves a very cultivated woman and knows he cannot say to her, 'I love you madly', because he knows that she knows (and that she knows that he knows) that these words have already been written by Barbara Cartland. Still, there is a solution. He can say, "As Barbara Cartland would put it, 'I love you madly'. At this point, having avoided false innocence, having said clearly that it is no longer possible to speak innocently, he will nevertheless have said what he wanted to say to the woman: the 'he loves her madly', but he loves her in an age of lost innocence. If the woman goes along with this, she will have recieved a declaration of love all the same.
Neither of the two speakers will feel innocent, both will have accepted the challenge of the past, of the already said, which cannot be eliminated; both will consciously and with pleasure play the game of irony... But both will have succeeded, once again, in speaking of love.
-Umberto Eco
Posted by lainey at 09:41 PM | Comments (0)
April 07, 2003
The kingdom of god is
The kingdom of god is not in word, but in power.
- 1 Corinthians 4:20
Posted by lainey at 05:33 PM | Comments (0)
April 06, 2003
once in a while, Straits
once in a while, Straits Times Online provides a worthy article that touches, and does more than providing me with an understanding of the world most of my loved ones live in. and it makes the tedious surfing of the site worthwhile.
somehow, maybe because i'm feeling melancholic, this article made me cry and I'm glad, someone from back home, doesnt view suicide with the taboo i'm always so scared Singaporeans do.
read this. here
Posted by lainey at 02:02 PM | Comments (0)
the heart and the brain,
the heart and the brain, are two different organs, uniquely linked. but when u link, a defective heart with a functioning brain, pandemonium breaks out.
God, did you give me a defective heart? Then just give me a defective brain with it. At least then, I can breathe easier.
Posted by lainey at 10:53 AM | Comments (0)
April 05, 2003
am heartbroken. the realisation hit
am heartbroken.
the realisation hit bad.
i just want to be alone, till the rest of time.
it hurts so bad, and to think i'd be better accustomed to it.
i never really did learn, did i?
Posted by lainey at 10:12 PM | Comments (2)
April 03, 2003
delusions
if i don't say it out, or tell anyone; there's no one to verify the truth.
and if there's no one to verify truth. then it is not truth.
so can i just keep it in me for a while? until it becomes real.
and hopefully, it will not become real.
let not truth materialise.
Posted by lainey at 01:53 AM | Comments (2)
April 01, 2003
Because the pretend-life goes on in real life, i will put this out here.
while talking to ingrid over MSN, i managed to psychoanalyse myself to the realisation of my current mind-state: -
eilymeau says:
then now, ive not heard from him for close to a week
eilymeau says:
suddenly.
eilymeau says:
so im worried
eilymeau says:
but i have to CHOOSE not to be so worried
eilymeau says:
but i really am worried
eilymeau says:
im okay if hes busy
eilymeau says:
but what if hes sick
eilymeau says:
or what if he decides to drop me?
eilymeau says:
but i try not to think abt it.
eilymeau says:
and just wait
eilymeau says:
but just the waiting is driving me berserk.
eilymeau says:
so i try not to show im waiting but im only kidding myself la.
Posted by lainey at 04:58 AM | Comments (0)