« 10 Best Places For Me To Live In | Main | am sick today. so am »
March 06, 2003
Trying Our Best
Darryl played me out today by calling sick and rescheduling for an appointment next week. NEXT WEEK? I got so demoralised and I tried to rationalise that he has a right to get sick too but I remained miffed and angry and hurt.
So much so that I couldn't get out of bed.
Hid under the covers for a really long time.
But MK called me to remind me of our running date - date to go running together. He sounded so nice that I had to stash the thought of not turning up on him. So I hurled myself out of bed. Track was closed. We decided to run along Yarra River instead.
Running along Yarra River blind as a bat, I wasnt wearing my contacts nor my glasses, made me really suspicious and paranoid. So the obligatory six kilometres I usually run so effortlessly on the track, felt almost impossible. MK was nice and patient and encouraging to me. And that somehow managed to make me feel more uncomfortable. Yarra River's pretty but running out of my comfort zone and not being able to see anything is freaky. Shall endeavour to alternate Yarra and the track from now on.
I mustn't give up on running. Cuz it will preserve my sanity.
Received an email from Mom. She'd promised to send me an email when I spoke to her on Monday. And she did so. Sometimes, I think, Mom is the only person on earth who never fails me. She always does what she promises. NEver once did she fail me. And when she did fail me, it's not because she didn't keep her promises; it's merely because I had too high, too unreal an expectation of her.
She has never once failed.
Everytime she said she would do something. She always does it.
Like when I called her to tell her I need money. She would send it immediately.
Or when I can't find my keys and told her it's gone forever, she would search and they would appear.
Or when she says she would buy me this. She would.
When the bank failed on our transaction, I freaked out, she told me things would be fine, and she screwed the bank upside down and things became fine.
And when she says she would call. She definitely calls. On time. On the dot.
And now she said she would email. And she did.
But I always take her for granted.
I live my life expecting the entire world to disappoint me. Yet the one person closest and dearest to me never disappointed me. And I'm the one who's always disappointing her. Life is such a tragic irony.
Anyway, I digress.
Mom emailed me about her life and thoughts. Just as she promised to. Just as she asked me to do the same. I know she's trying. Trying not to be sad. Trying not to be bothered by the events that had occured in the past few months, years. Trying not to be the bitter person I keep scolding her for becoming. And she's finally trying. I can feel her trying.
And because I can feel her trying. I also want to try. She's trying to become the person she knows I want her to be.
And so, I shall try to become the person she wants me to be too.
We will both try our best. Ok?
Posted by lainey at March 6, 2003 12:27 AM