Daisyspeak

I'm supposed to be sending a really important email now and I'm procrastinating it. Don't ask me why. I just can't. I should have done it two days ago or even before the weekend started ended whatever. I don't know why, at this point in life, screwing up doesnt seem to matter any more even though there's a tiny voice in my head reminding me constantly of the consequences I would have to bear for the mistakes I'm making now and it scares the hell out of me and yet i still remain stuck at this place that I'm in not being able to get anywhere at all.

Yes, i'm stuck.

Stuck at this place and I can't get out of it. Sure I'm social, sure I'm friendly, sure I look like I can fool the entire whole wide world but who the hell am I fooling. my sleeping hours are screwed, my work dont get done im just content lying in bed watching friends over and over and over again or listening to melbourne or waiting, or just flicking life away. i eat and eat and eat i try to run but i can't i think i should go running spinning whatever soon. i want to shop. i want to do this and be vain do my laundry my ironing wear nice clothes be sociable think of people but all i ever do is to make plans then blow them off.

And I know I'm not in Singapore and I can't do that too often too much to people because they dont get it and so they wouldn't forgive they probably wouldn't be able to tell if anything's wrong. so i'm going to screw up big time bigg bigg time.

I don't know. Smoking is good Eileen bought lots of marlboro reds and smoking seems good but it doesnt seem to do anything doesnt seem to be getting me out of where i am but it does distract me. distract me from this nothingness, from nothing unto something. unto smoking. at least i'm doing something right? at least i'm slowly killing myself.

yeah.
and stinking up the room.

then i'm scared. i'm scared out of my wits. im scared out of wits of whats going to happen what might happen what will happen and im just so scared but who do i tell who can help cuz people here there or everywhere will just ask me to snap outof it and go on with life but i can't move. i just can't move. not today, not yesterday. not the day before. or not last week.

do you fucking get it?

i dont know what's going to happen today. or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. maybe it will all be ok then. sometimes, life gets better that way and i heave a sigh of relief, but what if it doesnt. what if i screwed up before life gets better like how i did five years ago. then what am i going to do?

how will i clear up this mess?

i just can't screw up anymore. i really can't.

please understand.

oh fuck. judge me for all you want, i don't care. this is my site. i can perform whatever catharsis i want without fear of your judgment. if you don't like it u can blardy hell get out of this site and go read the blog of some happy go lucky girl. u can even delete me out of your life, your existence. cuz i miss jiaying.

i think i miss her.
and sis.
and alot of people.
i miss them
cuz if they are there, and i tell them all this now, they will pull me up and teach me how to walk again. help me slowly. help me.

here i'm all alone, sinking sinking sink.

but there's no one to blame really.
really, im not blaming anyone.

i know it's just myself and nobody else and hey look its time to go spinning i do hope after the gym class i will feel better and come back and write the email and who knows. maybe tomorrow later or a few hours later might be a better day. and make it to french class and make it to life.

maybe i will.
let's keep the fingers crossed and end right here right now.