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February 28, 2003
go away. really. just fucking
go away.
really.
just fucking go away.
Posted by lainey at 10:48 PM | Comments (0)
February 26, 2003
I can remain alive, and
I can remain alive, and yet be so dead at the same time.
Being social, is just playing a part. Shuen says.
It's no longer an indication of how okay you are.
I am so social. At my social best. But it's no longer an indication of how okay I am.
The harder I try. The more screwed up I get inside.
It's this cognitive dissonance that's making me worse.
Posted by lainey at 10:49 AM | Comments (0)
February 23, 2003
unRegimentation
messy life, messy room, messy routine, messy hair, messy everything.
i need to rest.
i need a break.
i need solitude.
and im sunburnt.
painful.
dehydrated.
tortured.
i need solitude.
Posted by lainey at 11:07 PM | Comments (0)
February 22, 2003
Fuck The Idiots
Had a generally good day yesterday despite dismal Italian buffet. But the company of friends was good and life felt like it was going to be alright. Went to Hilda's apartment and somehow ended up having a really intense conversation about politics and society and three people walked home at night thinking it was a pretty good night.
But a car filled with hooligans drove past.
And threw eggs at us.
And I got most of the eggs. Bruised my arms. Ruined my clothes.
And the day was almost ruined.
So much so that I burst out in tears. Not because I was sad, or scared. But because I was so angry. That I wished. I wished the car filled with those hooligans (racist or not) would crash and burn right about that moment. That they will die. That I wished death upon them. And I hated them more for making the worst of myself surface. That I so wanted them dead and I felt no remorse over it.
That was the second time I've ever wished death upon anyone. The first time was two years ago when Tiffy and I decided upon a late-night grocery shopping in the city's supermarket on a Friday night. And I met a seriously racist girl and she pushed me before throwing out verbal abuse. I almost picked a fight with the drunkard but Tiffy pulled me away in time. And there and then, I felt like I would be happier if she is dead.
I've faced much verbal abuse, sexual harrassment on the streets. In Perth, in Melbourne, in Sydney, in San Francisco and even in Singapore; but it's something about a physical attack that gets me incensed like nothing else. And it's times like that I understand a fraction of certain issues in my life that I never thought possible of comprehending.
Then I thought, it's probably people like those egg-throwing hooligans that are causing most of the wars that are happening around the world today.
Ridiculous hate-incited crimes by cowards who do not know how to think and make sense of their fear and anger. And they resort to wasting perfectly fresh eggs.
And my clothes. I had to be wearing my Kookai top, my Witchery jacket and my CK pants last night.
-frowns-
And unfortunately, I still do not wish good on their fate.
I'm ultimately vindictive, I know.
Posted by lainey at 10:15 AM | Comments (0)
February 21, 2003
Summer Rain
Supposed to pick my friend up from the bus-station just about now. And it's raining. Summer raining.
Gonna be summer raining for the entire weekend. And I feel strangely peaceful with Ben Harper in the background. That's what rainy mornings do to me. Put me in a strange time warp.
Where nothing really matters.
Where nothing really exists.
I love the rain, y'know?
The light rain in Singapore.
The light summer rain everywhere else.
A beautiful soundtrack for the rest of the day.
Sometimes I think I'm just a hopeless romantic. :)
Gonna go walk in the rain, seeya. :P
Posted by lainey at 03:30 AM | Comments (0)
February 20, 2003
"...low-wage workers are no more
"...low-wage workers are no more homogeneous in personality or ability than people who write for a living, and no less likely to be funny or bright. Anyone in the educated classes who thinks otherwise ought to broaden their circle of friends."
- Nickel and Dimed, Barbara Ehrenreich
Posted by lainey at 05:26 AM | Comments (0)
When In Doubt, Read.
Went to the bookstore that has the fat cat today. Fat cat is still there. Fat cat is still fat. Bookstore is still fabulous. Lainey still bought books despite being broke.
Books Acquired:
1) Tropic of Cancer - Henry Miller
This is inspired by my friend who told me that Tropic of Cancer is banned Singapore. It's the forbidden fruit syndrome and it's good that I have both Cancer and Capricorn now. :) And to think the Henry Miller revival is due to a Jewel song. :) Henry Miller and Anais Nin revival. ;)
2) The Book of Daniel - E.L Doctorow
One of my readings for my Postmodernism class next semester. And I just can't wait. :) I do think Doctorow is better than Delilio tho, and less erm "sexual" than Kathy Acker.
3) The Sea, The Sea - Iris Murdoch
Just had to check out what the fuss is about her.
4) Shame - Salman Rushdie
Another of my readings for Postmodernism. And also to see what's the fuss about him too.
5) The Haunting of Sylvia Plath - Jacqueline Rose
Even though I've lost my intrigue with Plath, I think it's cool to have an entire collection of her works, books on her..blahblah. Besides, I thought - since I already know so much about her, what's the harm in knowing all. And more. And who knows, I might just do her for my Thesis in future. Nah....I don't think so.
LOL
Now Reading:
- Nickel & Dimed -Barbara Ehrenreich
My Contemporary American Society lecturer recommended this book last year and I only found it now. It's set to depress me like how Fast Food Nation did. Hmm.
Posted by lainey at 03:59 AM | Comments (0)
February 19, 2003
Fashion-Victim-cum-Art-Lover?
Shoes I want so badly. That costs more than my rent in Melbourne if I buy from that shoe store I stumbled upon yesterday, and costs the same as my rent if I do mail order.
argh, fate must've brought us together if I had stumbled upon the shoe store on my search for a restroom right? And they look so pretty on my feet! urghk.
argh. decisions. decisions.
Posted by lainey at 05:21 AM | Comments (1)
February 18, 2003
Dying Dreams
Friend noticed my acrimonious behaviour of late and asked me questions about it.
Then he asked "Do you have dreams? A passion? Do you follow them? Are you persistent?"
I used to have them.
Dreams.
Passion.
Fervour.
I believed I would do great things. I believed I would be great. I believed great things would come to me.
Since young, my parents have always made me believed that.
And I've always believed I'm the type of person who would pursue my dreams. Till the end of time.
But now I'm tired. At 22, I'm exhausted. And left with a few dangling pathetic remnants of what used to be dreams. Now, at most, I can only call them flickering interests.
Flickering interests. Shadows of the past.
That's what I'm left with.
And I'm tired. And all I hope, and wish for each day, is to hope to be alive.
Nothing too grandiose, nothing too demanding.
I just hope I get to see each tomorrow.
No more thoughts of achieving great big things.
I disappoint, not only myself. But my parents. The people around me. And my ego.
Coincidentally, I actually wrote about this in my personal journal last night.
HEre's an extract :
"Seriously, I sit here and wonder what I really want to do with my life. And if I'm really okay.
I want to be happy.
Full-of-hope kinda happy
In-love-with-life kinda happy
But I just don't know how to.
How did I forget?"
Posted by lainey at 10:35 PM | Comments (2)
Procrastinating
Warning: This is extremely rambly...so if you can't take it, don't venture in.
I'm supposed to be sending a really important email now and I'm procrastinating it. Don't ask me why. I just can't. I should have done it two days ago or even before the weekend started ended whatever. I don't know why, at this point in life, screwing up doesnt seem to matter any more even though there's a tiny voice in my head reminding me constantly of the consequences I would have to bear for the mistakes I'm making now and it scares the hell out of me and yet i still remain stuck at this place that I'm in not being able to get anywhere at all.
Yes, i'm stuck.
Stuck at this place and I can't get out of it. Sure I'm social, sure I'm friendly, sure I look like I can fool the entire whole wide world but who the hell am I fooling. my sleeping hours are screwed, my work dont get done im just content lying in bed watching friends over and over and over again or listening to melbourne or waiting, or just flicking life away. i eat and eat and eat i try to run but i can't i think i should go running spinning whatever soon. i want to shop. i want to do this and be vain do my laundry my ironing wear nice clothes be sociable think of people but all i ever do is to make plans then blow them off.
And I know I'm not in Singapore and I can't do that too often too much to people because they dont get it and so they wouldn't forgive they probably wouldn't be able to tell if anything's wrong. so i'm going to screw up big time bigg bigg time.
I don't know. Smoking is good Eileen bought lots of marlboro reds and smoking seems good but it doesnt seem to do anything doesnt seem to be getting me out of where i am but it does distract me. distract me from this nothingness, from nothing unto something. unto smoking. at least i'm doing something right? at least i'm slowly killing myself.
yeah.
and stinking up the room.
then i'm scared. i'm scared out of my wits. im scared out of wits of whats going to happen what might happen what will happen and im just so scared but who do i tell who can help cuz people here there or everywhere will just ask me to snap outof it and go on with life but i can't move. i just can't move. not today, not yesterday. not the day before. or not last week.
do you fucking get it?
i dont know what's going to happen today. or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. maybe it will all be ok then. sometimes, life gets better that way and i heave a sigh of relief, but what if it doesnt. what if i screwed up before life gets better like how i did five years ago. then what am i going to do?
how will i clear up this mess?
i just can't screw up anymore. i really can't.
please understand.
oh fuck. judge me for all you want, i don't care. this is my site. i can perform whatever catharsis i want without fear of your judgment. if you don't like it u can blardy hell get out of this site and go read the blog of some happy go lucky girl. u can even delete me out of your life, your existence. cuz i miss jiaying.
i think i miss her.
and sis.
and alot of people.
i miss them
cuz if they are there, and i tell them all this now, they will pull me up and teach me how to walk again. help me slowly. help me.
here i'm all alone, sinking sinking sink.
but there's no one to blame really.
really, im not blaming anyone.
i know it's just myself and nobody else and hey look its time to go spinning i do hope after the gym class i will feel better and come back and write the email and who knows. maybe tomorrow later or a few hours later might be a better day. and make it to french class and make it to life.
maybe i will.
let's keep the fingers crossed and end right here right now.
Posted by lainey at 02:46 AM | Comments (3)
February 16, 2003
wAiting
Valentine's Day.
Spent. Like a true blue independent modern single girl.
Dinner with a bunch of friends.
Good music of swing and love and jazz.
Swing dancing. Booze. Pretty dresses.
Supper and good food.
But it's Valentine's Day. And he's not here.
He is not here.
I can't even hear his voice.
And I want to hear from him so much.
It's been so long without him.
And it's going to be so long without him.
I don't doubt, don't doubt if it's all worth it anymore.
Because I've learnt that there's nothing else I can do, but to love him and wait.
But I wonder if I can endure the pain. Survive this pain.
This constant longing
yearning
missing
It kills.
It's really killing.
But I love him.
And I know no other way to live.
Posted by lainey at 10:41 PM | Comments (4)
February 14, 2003
Happy Valentine's Day
My present for him - the promise of this song. :)
I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
but I know
the touch of you is so hard to remember
but like that touch I know no other
and for sure we have danced
in the risk of each other
would like to dance
around the world with me
I'll be falling all about my own thing
and I know you're the heaviest weight
when you're not here that's hung
around my head
and your lips burn wild
thrown from the face of a child
and in your eyes
the seeing of the greatest few
do what you will, always
walk where you like, your steps
do as you please, I'll back you up
I remember thinking
sometimes we walk
sometimes we run away
no matter how fast we are running
somehow we keep
somehow we keep up with each other
I'll be falling all about my own thing
and I know you're the heaviest weight
when you're not here that's hung
around my head
and your lips burn wild
thrown from the face of a child
and in your eyes
the seeing of the greatest few
do what you will, always
walk where you like, your steps
do as you please, I'll back you up.
Posted by lainey at 03:23 PM | Comments (0)
He emailed me first!
I was in the computer lab, bleary-eyed and working on my paper when I received an email from him. And to think I was planning to send one to him tomorrow. When it hits Valentine's Day in the States.
I don't know if you know how much it means to me, that you remembered sending me a valentine's greeting on my time zone. That U sent it so early. So sweetly. So adoringly.
I don't know if you know that you made me laugh out loud in the dead silence of the computer lab, and gave me more motivation to go on with my paper.
I don't know if you know that you made me smile, and determined to make everyone around me happy* too.
I don't know if you know that you just made my day, and I can find all the strength to go on, go through this day of impending exhaustion, errands and socialising.
But I know that you thought of me, and that you love me.
And though we can't be with each other now, or for a long time to come, I know that you know that we can make it.
So thank you for making my day. For making me smile. For being you. And for loving me.
However silly 'me' might be. :)
*Dinner party tonight, shall make everyone happy. Shall be good hostess. Shall cook nice healthy food. Despite lack of sleep. :))))
Posted by lainey at 02:32 AM | Comments (2)
February 13, 2003
Words of POssible Wisdom
"What goes up, must come down some day. You have to have a landing mattress ready."
how to find a reliable landing mattress?
Posted by lainey at 08:15 AM | Comments (0)
February 12, 2003
Erm...
Is it just me? Or is it a general consensus that if we have report on such an issue, then it shows how fucked up Singapore's education system is?
Then I heave a sigh of relief for where I am, and for the people I've been educated with all my life. And for some parts, for some of the educators who had been with me when I'm in the midst of a crapshit system. And no, I did not come from one of your swanky, snobby little "designer-elitist" schools in Singapore (:p), but the people in my classes were more often than not able to throw in a semblance of intellectual group participation. And as much as I bemoan being in Melbourne, being able to attend classes with people who actually know sooo much more about what we are studying (most of the times more than the tutors themselves) and who are not afraid to voice their opinions and bring it to the next level of a heated argument, it's actually one of the saving graces of my sanity in the past few years. I have professors and lecturers who allow me to plop down into their office chairs and hold long discussions with them, or chat mindless conversations about my fears and paranoia ("I can't get through this semester/subject/year because I have too much to read and I don't want to stop reading and start writing!", "I can't write a paper on this! It will taint my entire belief system!","I need an extension for this because I went crazy last week!"). Educators who actually treat me as an intellectual equal. I'm glad to have found myself in a system where I could actually function and not worry THAT much that I will screw up because. Just because.
So I shan't bemoan Melbourne, or my uni that much. Even when it was not my first choice, leaving the country had been and is still the better choice. :)
-acrimonious look-
p/s: actually I'm sounding so optimistic about life, despite having four papers to write in the next month, because I just did fantastic readings on Aceh, Tibet and the West Papua and I think it might have something to do with the fact that I'm going to the art gallery with Emi and Mike this evening. :)
Posted by lainey at 08:24 AM | Comments (1)
Artist's Impression
Erm werm, my friend sketched this picture of me after I told him I was going to go to the jazz club in my new cheongsam. I do think she doesn't quite look like me, but out of all his sketches, this one seemed most erm like me...and my cheongsam's nicer than this! Maybe I will snap my cheongsam and show you guys. :)
Well, this is exciting because I've never actually had anyone drawn me before. Despite having a him who loves to draw. heeheehee!
Posted by lainey at 02:26 AM | Comments (0)
February 11, 2003
An Unquiet Mind
It's my own fight. And only I myself can do something about it.
But I've sat at the same spot for years. Refusing to do what they asked me to do.
And sometimes, I really do think I've gotten better. BEtter at coping.
And I think, at the end of it all, I would have gotten to the stage where I'm best at coping.
Can I?
Am I doing the right thing by not doing anything? But just gritting my teeth?
Tonight, because of a trigger, I have to ask myself these questions. But I don't have the answers. BEcause these questions are not textbook.
And I'm sorry. Most of you probably don't know what I'm talking about.
Posted by lainey at 12:33 AM | Comments (0)
February 10, 2003
Silly Lainey
The practical aspects of my life might be a little messy now, and I might be a little stressed with life right about now.
But I meet new people. People who share my interests and my passion. People who actually seem nice. So despite communication barriers, I love their company. :)
And I'm sooooo in love, nothing ever matters. :)
I feel like I can conquer anything that comes along. And I have you to thank for it. :)
I'll be waiting. :p
Reading: Pussycat Fever - Kathy Acker
Posted by lainey at 11:03 AM | Comments (5)
February 08, 2003
Friday Five Finally!
1. What did you have for breakfast this morning? If you didn't have breakfast, why not?
Didn't have breakfast cuz i just woke up and it's 2.30pm and I think I shan't eat cuz I've not been running and I feel fat. :p
2. What's your favorite cereal?
Muesli with almonds. yumz. :)
3. How often do you eat out? Do you want that to change?
Quite oft these days actually. Been too lazy and busy to cook. Yeah of course. It's eating up all my money. I wanna cook at home. Healthier, cheaper and tastier!
4. What do you plan on having for dinner tonight? Got a recipe for that?
Chicken Vindaloo. Going over to a friend's place for dinner tonight. :)
5. What's your favorite restaurant? Why?
Singapore
For cheap stuff, it's really Werner's Oven at Siglap. My friend JY and I can polish everything off the menu in one night! Sauerkaut is good for health. :)
For the slightly more expensive stuff, it would have to be Pasta Brava on Purvis St. The service it totally delightful...:) It's at Purvis St, right? Somewhere at Tanjong Pagar, that I know, I don't remember names of roads too well. It has to be...:)
Melbourne
It would have to be Oriental Bistro or the Mafia Place as my friends and I call it cuz we saw some Mafia like meeting being held there. The food is great and Michael Chang goes there! :)
For italian food, it would be Papa Gino's for the fantastic lagsane, La Notte for the sphagetti marinara and everything italian tastes great in Melbourne actually. :) So I'm quite undecided. No favourites. :)
San Diego
This Japanese restaurant in Chula Vista (yeah I'm sorry I forgot the name) which serves absolutely the best ramen I've tasted in the world. Yes! The world! and the Chan Pon....is unparalleled. :) So are the servings. I do think I don't eat out enough in San Diego...hmm. I do remember a place by the marina that has really good fish tacos though....but I just can't remember where and the name of the restaurant. It's too early. I just woke up, and I'm groggy. But I DO know where some of the good food is in San Diego okay...:p
San Francisco
This vietnamese restaurant which I forgot the name again. But seriously, if you need me to bring you there, I'd know how to. And werm, :) Scoma's Restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf which serves the bestest lobster sandwiches in San Francisco. I know because I actually went round sampling lobster sandwiches. :p
Posted by lainey at 11:13 AM | Comments (0)
February 07, 2003
Doing A Bit For The World
I picked up Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation again after leaving it alone for the past couple of months. Being a social science student, I am already duly affected by the things I study and am constantly reminded of how terrible and depressing the world we live in is. Fast Food Nation is no different. My friend asked me last night why do I torture myself by reading the book voraciously - finished it in two nights - when I know it would negatively affect me. I guess knowing makes me aware and maybe hopeful that I might be of help, somehow or someday. Ignorance is bliss but I don't think I ever want to be in that state. Maybe I'm Faustian that way. That I crave and need knowledge.
Schlosser puts a brutal argument in his book and sometimes I would wonder if he took his case to the extreme. He paints a world which is so bleak, so harsh and so cruel that I cringe when reading it. But he tries to soften the impact in his epilogue, showing organisations which emerged and are trying to improve the world (I'm eating In-and-Out with the bf and his buddies from now on) and shows that there is hope yet in a world dominated by MacDonalds and KFC. However, that mere chapter doesn't remove the scar it left on me and by god, I'm glad it didn't and I hope nothing ever will.
I've never liked fast food, or the idea of multinational global organisations. Starbucks, Macdonalds, Nike, K-mart, suburban identical shopping malls. The idea of a mass consumer culture irks me and frightens me. Frightens me of how much power these organisations wield over us the little people. And in a way, I now realise in amusement how my boyfriend is the same. Even when I get my insane pre-menstrual cravings for KFC, he would be disgusted but still buy it for me. He doesn't approve of fast food for the health icky factor and Nike for more humanitarian reasons. For me, I've never liked fast food because I'm a health freak and I do think Nike is way TOOOOO expensive for sports wear.
Now I have more reason. Not to eat fast food. Even when I'm insanely pre-menstrual.
And I thought I would just do my bit here. And let all of you read this little extract.
Please, at least. Try.
"Nobody in the United States is forced to buy fast food. The first step toward meaningful change is by far the easiest: stop buying it. The executives who run the fast food industry are not bad men. They are businessmen. They will sell free-range, organic, grass-fed hamburgers if you demand it. They will sell whatever sells at a profit. The usefulness of the market, its effectiveness as a tool, cuts both ways. The real power of the American consumer has not yet been unleashed. The heads of Burger King, KFC, and MacDonald's should feel daunted; they're outnumbered. There are three of them and almost three hundred million of you. A good boycott, a refusal to buy, can speak much louder than words. Sometimes the most irresistible force is the most mundane.
Pull open the glass door, feel the rush of cool air, walk inside, get in line, and look around you, look at the kids working in the kitchen, at the customers in their seats, at the ads for the latest toys, study the backlit color photographs above the counter, think about where the food came from, about how and where it was made, about what is set in motion by every single fast food purchase, the ripple effect near and far, think about it. Then place your order. Or turn and wakl out of the door. It's not too late. Even in this fast food nation, you can still have it your way."
- Eric Schlosser, Fast Food Nation
Posted by lainey at 05:17 PM | Comments (0)
February 06, 2003
Daisy Petals
I think I've been okay. For the past week, I've been doing pretty okay. I'm trying to stop smoking now. I've been trying to smile and be happy or not think about things that might, or might not, get me down. Just not do things that might make me feel too much. Too hard. Too bad.
Then Peter asked me this today.
Peter: Why are you sad?
me: I'm sad?
Peter: Yah. Why? Can I make you happy?
me: Why do you say I'm sad?
Peter:You are abit sad? I can feel it.
me: U r crazy.
Peter: Why?
me: If you want to help, just pretend you didn't notice.
Peter: Ok.
So that's the gist of our conversation. And it affected me profoundly. I don't know why. And he probably didn't mean what he said. But it affected me profoundly.
So tonight, I feel a little down.
But I think I'm ok. I'm just sad. But not desolate.
Listening to: Time - Tori Amos
Posted by lainey at 06:26 PM | Comments (3)
February 04, 2003
The Meaning Of Life
Life is worth living because of the condition of the world we are living in. The world we are living in offer other lives, in which we can form relationships with, in which we can love and hate, and learn from. The world consists of other species of animals and plants; of natural beauty for us to enjoy. Of a multitude of experiences and opportunities for us to live through. Therefore, life IS worth living.
Posted by lainey at 09:46 PM | Comments (3)
February 03, 2003
-secret little smile- *runs and
-secret little smile-
*runs and works on proposal*
Posted by lainey at 09:55 AM | Comments (0)
February 01, 2003
Silver Lining
Woke up after seven hours of nightmarish sleep. Woke up to three emails. Wow. Three emails is something. Best friend, ed and JY. Just about my three favouritest people in the world.
And in their own ways, they made me smile a little smile despite waking up to feel total bleakness. And they have no idea how I am even. Just people excited about CNY in their own ways. So even tho I woke up, not feeling the better that I had hoped I would, I have something to make me smile.
I'm really trying to positive.
Bleak. I still feel bleak.
Shall go to the library. Shall go running.
Running is good. Running will help. Running must help.
Am supposed to call Singapore at the family house - where everyone who matters will be. I don't feel like calling. I already sounded like a load of killjoy last night. Must I go through this again?
Then again, Mom sounded like a load of killjoy too.
Mom and I, two bitter human entities in this world. But we ain't allowing each other into our own worlds. That's the thing about life, worlds like these, only have space for one unique person.
fuck.fuck.fuck.
Posted by lainey at 10:28 AM | Comments (0)
Eve
New Year's Eve. Feeling extremely alone. But dressed nicely to go for reunion dinner at swanky chinese restaurant with tremendously delicious food and pretty enjoyable company. still feeling alone. went to boxhill to squeeze with the rest of melbourne's chinese population. avoided a panic attack. braved the crowds. to arrive at a dodgy bookstore and bought good titles at really cheap prices. ate ice-cream. went to jazz bar. rejected a marriage proposal from balding white man, danced, avoided alcohol, danced, stared lustfully at drummer and bassist of jazz band. danced. danced. walked. tired. cried. called home. cried. cried. showered. tired. cried.
am feeling alone.
i had a good night with good people. but it doesn't stop me from feeling alone.
feeling like i don't have the right to exist anymore.
i'm tired. so tired.
been too long since i slept. but i like my new Kookai clothes. and the rougebest friend gave me. first time i put on rouge today. pretty pretty nice nice.
i like pink.
but still i don't want to exist anymore.
tired. of breathing. and living. finally. and it's just the brand new year.
wow.
Posted by lainey at 12:21 AM | Comments (2)