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January 21, 2003
VCR-living
In the midst of my self-imposed seclusion from the rest of the world (partly due to cramps, partly due to melancholia, and the other part to an empty pocket), I speak to Jules on ICQ and I finally figured out something.
That life in Melbourne doesn't really matter to me. I'm just trying to get through it, get past it. Like how I told Dave last night. Melbourne is just the "pause" button in my life. I prefer my life if its in the mode of "fast forward" or "play". And by gawd, I hope I will never get to the "rewind" bit.
It's not the life in Melbourne that's affecting me. It's the life away from Melbourne. The one I'm leading not in my physical body. It's the one that's keeping me sleepless and making me risk being dysfunctional in Melbourne. It's the life AFTER Melbourne that's on my mind. The life that I want to know but have no friggin clue what its going to be like. I can plan. I can look forward to. I can be scared and prepare to run. But I have no idea what it's going to be.
So I shouldn't give myself such a headache. But I am. Especially in today's world where the past, present and future can sometimes intermeshed to produce one huge swirl-y heap of mess.
So messy. So tangled. I feel trapped.
Like a tape jammed in a VCR.
Listening to: Counting Crows - Colourblind
Posted by lainey at January 21, 2003 12:39 PM
Comments
The present is always awaiting the arrival of the future but the past is always repeating itself.
Past, present future
They are just manifestations of our desperate need to compartmentalize everything, pigeon holed them into managable categories.
The past is the past because its over
the present is the present because its not the past or the future
the future is always out there, we hope
But at the end of the day, there's no past, present future, its just us trying to hope for something better.
Essentially, as you put it, its just a huge fucking mess.
*hugs you and goes back to Dragonquest 5 (its more managable:P)
Posted by: Shuen at January 22, 2003 01:11 AM