Daisyspeak

For me, I know I lapse into periods of non-writing in my journal and it's those un-documented events, time-spans, that probably meant the most to me. Those were the times when I got too carried away I suppose. By people, or by technology.

I think I write best when in solitude.

Either in solitude or in calm control. I think it when my life is in control. I guess the past year, even till now, my life spun totally beyond the axis of control. And when I write, it's crap. It's just attention seeking me looking for me to make a certain judgment about me. I think deep down inside, I want everyone to love me, to need me, to think I'm a pretty good deal.

Of course that all fell through. And the writing can attest to that. I hate it when I suck. I've not come up with a single piece of decent writing that means a single thing for a long long while. Nothing to go into the portfolio. Nothing to go anywhere. I hate it. Being sucky at what I adore. Been too long and superficial as it sounds, I need to write something soon that I can call my own, and be proud of it. Soon.

Sometimes I think i write best on planes. Perhaps because there's nothing else to distract me from. In a cabin full of strangers, there's really nothing much else to do. But to sort out my thoughts. But lately, I've taken to watching stupid movies, or merely staring into space on planes. And absolutely doing nothing. I've become unproductive even in the one place I thought would/might work for me.

Ultimately, being able to write easily about anything gives me a sense of control. Control over my thoughts, control over the flow of thinking. And even when I write because my emotions were/are running amok, it gives me a huge sense of control. Being able to bind those febrile, overwhelmed, overheated emotions onto paper gives them heartfelt meaning and gives me control.

If it ain't on paper, it ain't mean a thing.

And it hurts that so many things happened that can't mean a thing because they are not on paper anymore.

When I was younger, I wrote more. But I don't see how it meant I was more in control then. But maybe I was.

In gaining control, I gain strength.
And in losing control, I go insane and spiral down into nothingness.

So if writing makes so much sense in my life, why then, don't I write more regularly and frequently in here. I guess, in a self-built self-destructive mode, it's the same reason - why I binge, why I don't sleep, skip classes, stay home, wallow endlessly, get totally socially, get totally anti-social...

I need control.
I want control.
I must control.