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January 15, 2003
The Big Blue Yonder
Suddenly, just so suddenly, you get hit by an unexplainable big blue wave.
You could go for your philosophy lecture. You could enjoy the transfer of knowledge. You could even keep an alert mind for a two hour lecture despite having slept for four hours the morning before.
You could be functional.
You could make plans for.
For the rest of the week.
For the rest of summer.
For the rest of your life.
Then suddenly, before anything even begin to make sense to you. You feel that there's no point. And you feel deeply melancholic. And you feel like being blue. You feel blue. And you become blue.
But right here, right now, you do not have the privilege to be blue. To be melancholic. You must pretend to smile. To happy giggly bubbly silly frivolous. You must pretend to be the girl they want you to be. Because right here, right now, there's no one you can tell. And no one who would understand, how you can simply turn from a bright sunny shade of pink to a foreboding hue of blue. No one would fathom the reason behind it.
Because it just happened. For no rhyme or reason. It attacked straight from behind. And hurled you into that black pit you've always been so scared of. Re-enacting the nightmarish scene of you spiralling downwards. The bottomless pit. And not one witness in sight.
No matter how hard you try to rationalise to yourself. No matter how hard you try to cheer yourself up. No matter how hard you try to wake from this nightmare to go back into the cheerful reality of a Melbourne summer. Or to leave this damned reality for the dreamland of security. No matter how hard you try; or what you do.
This is it.
This feels like it.
You know that it is it.
So you can only sit at a corner. Trying to be unobstrusive as possible. And wait for this wave to pass. Breathe quietly and wait for the pink, the yellow or the red to return. Anything but this bluey blue blue.
Anything but this.
But you gasp for breath. Gasp hard for breath. Can't breathe. Can't think. Can't feel. Except for the absolute dread. That dread you get when you are falling.
How long is this fall gonna take?
So someone catch hold of me, and bring me up on grounded land again.
Please.
Posted by lainey at January 15, 2003 01:56 PM
Comments
*smiles* we fall all the time, and sadly, there's never anyone there to pick us up. We either learn to stand up on our own or we simply surrender to the earth.
*hugs*
Posted by: Shuen at January 16, 2003 02:58 AM
*smiles* we fall all the time, and sadly, there's never anyone there to pick us up. We either learn to stand up on our own or we simply surrender to the earth.
*hugs*
Posted by: Shuen at January 16, 2003 02:58 AM
i'm beginning to think we are emotional clones. but u definitely write better than i do. :)
*HUGZ*
Posted by: clouds at January 16, 2003 10:40 AM
you're right. theres really nothing one could do cept to let it pass (at least hope that it will)
but arent we all born to float? it is the psychological state of mind that makes us sink.
to me, a blue wave is good until a black one comes along and knocks me out. you sink deep into the abyss because you think it is one and you see no end to the darkness.
i've always thought my man was my anchor and i was the ever drifting, ever searching lost ship. sometimes i wonder if i'm the anchor, stuck in this stubborn self dug pit of helplessness, waiting for him to haul me up. waiting for anything, anyone to haul me up. until the ship sinks. then i'll be waiting for anything, anyone to discover that i once existed.
i'm my own victim in many ways. but if that keeps me alive, whos to say that being a victim is wrong?
waiting for my own blue wave to wash past.
Posted by: nipple girl at January 16, 2003 04:18 PM
nipple girl, you make me laugh, despite it all. take care. and i will see u soon. in the meantime, we all try. :)
*hugs shuen and cloudy*
Posted by: lainey at January 16, 2003 07:20 PM