« Finally. | Main | Death Becomes Me »
January 29, 2003
Lacking Paris
Reading Aurorin's and Dave's blogs on Casablanca, I think about my own tragic screenplay. I'm due to watch Casablanca and An Affair to Remember at the Moonlight Cinema at the Botanical Gdns next month, but I can't wait to write about the Love people talk about, even before I watch it on screen.
To everyone, we had the Romance.
The way we met. The way we endured. The way we tried.
Across oceans, cultures, differences, believes, up-bringing, education, race, age, interests, lives. We are the exact opposite of each other. Yet so alike. Like two sides of a coin.
The way we met. The way we endured. The way we tried.
Are we trying now? Am I? Are you?
To us, it was Love. There never was Romance. You weren't comfortable with being Romantic. And any attempt on your part at being Romantic made me laugh and shrink away.
But your definition of Love and mine, are too different.
I Love.
And you Love.
But do you really?
I ask myself that question every day, every waking damned hour.
You might ask me, if I really? Since I keep questioning, and I keep wanting. And I keep yearning.
According to you, you just keep me in your heart and wait.
Are you speaking the truth, or is it just an excuse not to do anything?
Do I need Love? Or do I need Romance?
I don't know. I have so many questions. And I know I can't ask. I can't dwell. I can't ponder.
It's all useless. You can't give me the answers. Nobody would.
All I can do is to wait wait wait.
All I can do is to die a million times each day. Lead my life like the walking dead, waiting for the day for you to come revive me.
Will you?
Or will I simply die a million times each day till the end of time?
Dying a million times. Oh I know the feeling so well, but each new death, still hurts afresh. Still hurts like there's no tomorrow.
Is this what Eternal Hell is all about?
* * *
I remembered when I first started dying a million times each day.
I remembered talking to Sis on MSN about it.
It was on Oct 26, 2002. Two weeks after the first initial break-up.Sis spoke to me regarding my blog.
goghette says:
do u get worried for me when u read my blog?
teardrop says:
nope.
teardrop says:
honestly..
teardrop says:
it's only natural..
teardrop says:
i mean normal to feel this way..
teardrop says:
cuz..you love him so much
teardrop says:
trying your best to sustain this relationship..
teardrop says:
it's tough..
teardrop says:
but u just kept trying
teardrop says:
ardrop says:
and in the end..
teardrop says:
he gave up
teardrop says:
if i were you..
teardrop says:
i wld have died a million times
teardrop says:
but you are Strong
But you don't know. I've died a million times, and am still dying. Over and over again, each day. How many times can one person die, before the person stops dying?
And ever since that day, I've never stopped dying. Because you are not mine yet. Not fully mine yet.
Posted by lainey at January 29, 2003 01:06 AM