« Willy Wussy Weekend is O'er! | Main | Sometimes, I think I've forgottten »
January 13, 2003
Beyond The Looking Glass
We have come to a strange place in our relationship.
A place where people speak in hushed whispers and tread about in tip-toe. In fear of.
In fear of what?
In fear of losing the other party completely if we make one wrong step.
In fear of destroying whatever pathetic remnants of a relationship we have left if we say one word wrong.
In fear of crossing the line to the place where any attempts at repair, when the time comes, would be futile.
In a strange way, I am okay that we are at this place. Better here than there.
Better here than anywhere else worse.
Better this than nothing.
So we are polite to each other.
You thanking me for every little thing, me trying my best not to be sarcastic. Like how we were when we first started the relationship.
And me tentative about sharing any detail of my life. Because I don't want to seem too pushy, too needy.
We make little jokes. And laugh mock-light-heartedly.
We make little plans for the future. About the future. Around the future. In the future.
Yet never mentioning once that we have no idea where the future will be.
Or when it will be.
I am okay. Only okay. Not happy. Not content. Just okay. Accepting it cuz there is no other way out.
At least I'm not angry, whiny or crying; and I don't thrive for more. Or dare ask for more.
But it cuts each time we hang up the phone.
When it's time for us to cease conversation, you would remind me to protect myself against the evils of the world. To learn to build up a stronger defence mechanism, to take good care of myself. And I would urge you to eat proper and try to cut down on the smoking.
And we'd hang up.
Without saying "I love you"
Not anymore. We just don't have the right to say it to each other anymore.
And how did we lose it?
I have no idea either.
Posted by lainey at January 13, 2003 04:52 PM
Comments
well written indeed ... :)
Posted by: Claire at January 13, 2003 08:22 PM
i feel like a silly gal. wish u were online...
Posted by: clouds at January 13, 2003 09:12 PM