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December 18, 2002
On the Ascent
I'm still feeling better. Slowly, climbing back into the world. And suddenly, the world doesn't seem too shabby a place to live in.
Shan called me just and asked if I got out of the house today, and I told her I did and she said that's a good sign. Then I revealed I've got stuff - social stuff - to do till Friday and she said that's not too good an idea. Hmm, I will take care of myself. I hope. *crosses fingers*
The day didn't start out too well, but it slowly shaped out to be better than I expected. Ending it with late-night pool and supper with son and KS made it all worthwhile, even the extreme exhaustion and the hole-in-pocket bit. May be going camping over christmas and I'm really excited about the prospect of that, hope everything works out.
I do hope, that I will be ok, decidedly ok, for a long while to go. I don't know what makes me better. I know, reading has somesort of a prozac effect in me. Reading in-between the activities and in-activities in life gets me through. Through the nothingness. Through the blankness. I guess words fills in the gaps for me.
Maybe he makes the difference too. To fill up the gaps in-between. Gaps caused by nothing, maybe something. Gaps caused by fucked up histories, bad memories or maybe chemical imbalances. No matter what, I will take whatever works now.
Even if its just the thought and the faith in him. Not so much -voice- or -presence- for the moment. Just the assurance of his words and promises. Maybe that's not the best way to lead a life. But does anyone as a better alternative for me? Maybe I will get through; we will get through. With some pool, some books and friends who try to care and understand and allow me to cheat at pool along the way. Maybe.
So what does God do amongst all this shit?
So what role does God play?
Maybe we will think about it when the cough goes away.
Reading: Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel. It is enjoyable, though much like the rest of the confessional books I've read. But it's good. And it feels comforting. Somewhat comforting. But she published and is decidedly brilliant, while I'm content being a nothing for the rest of my life.
Posted by lainey at December 18, 2002 01:00 AM