December 28, 2002
Locked In Time
Today wasn't a good day. I didn't sleep well the night before, started the day early on activities, heard alot of bad news, and had a fight in the middle of a certain famous hawker center.
But I met up with Jiaying for scones and tea at Royal Copenhagen and everything became alright. I love scones and a cuppa good Earl Grey, and Royal Copenhagen (did I get the spelling right?)at Ngee Ann City always gives me the feeling of being locked in time. Sitting at the table-clothed table, sipping from my nice porcelain teacup, looking down at the crowds rushing through Orchard Road, while all is peaceful in my little corner of the world. Watching the world hurry by, while my own world is trapped locked in time. Peaceful. Very peaceful.
We had good conversation and fantastic scones (its hard to fine good scones in Singapore). Then the rest of the gang called and heralded us for dinner. We had a dilemma as we were all broke and thus know no where good and cheap to eat had. We finally agreed to buy chicken rice (cheap cheap) and eat at a friend's place which is right smack in Orchard where we can still see the Orchard skyline while eating dinner(glam still). We ended up watching MTVs, drinking wine, taking photos and playing a silly boardgame called Dirty Minds. And still, I feel like time is not a consideration.
Nothing matters.
Not the fact that I'm broke.
Not the fact that I have loads of issues unsolved.
Not the fact that I'm leaving for Melbourne in a week's time.
And definitely not the fact that I'm not happy.
Sometimes, I wish I can just hide - hide in the bosom of a time-warp like this. Forever.
Posted by lainey at 01:16 AM | Comments (0)
December 26, 2002
Breathing Easier
Things that made me smile today
1) I discovered I can bike everywhere! (aka Jiaying's place this evening)
2) the Christmas card from Ed in New York. He remembers. How can he remember and not him? There's no comparison really. Is there?
3) Meeting best buddy for the first time since her return from Japan
4) Pool with son and Fiona
5) I don't have to babysit tomorrow.
6) The library
7) Derick's present in the mail.
8) Managed pissed-drunk state two nights in a row
9) Christmas is over
10) So busy life must be good.
11) Presents
12) Good friends.
13) Meeting new friends. And a very hunky new friend *winks*
14) Singapore is getting enjoyable.
15) Me got blender! Me can make SMOOTHIES. :)
16) Afternoon tea with Chrissy and Jerome. The bro n sis pair is back for two weeks! :) I adore their company! And we've not seen each other for...THREE years. How different we all look/behave/think now! And how glad/relieved I am that we still enjoy each other's company. At least, THEY still enjoy my company. :) I hope they do. And I certainly did enjoy theirs. :)
Thing that can get me down:
1) Hearing our song on radio.
Ah well. Fuck care.
p/s: I survived last night better than expected again. No tears. :) See, I can do it. I can fuck care everything :)
Posted by lainey at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)
December 25, 2002
Joy To The Night
Last night wasn't too shabby.
Went for a Christmas Eve dinner of steamboat at a friend's sister's place. It was strange. Mingling with strangers, being the date of a friend whom everyone knows its strictly platonic and being among other REAL and romantic couples. It's kinda awkward in a way, you know?
But it was fun. Meeting strangers are good cuz you don't give yourself away, you will never walk away hurt. They are different people. Mandarin-speaking, easy-going folks. When I tried to talk about books or movies or politics, they looked slightly shocked, so I kept quiet for the rest of the dinner and enjoyed my dinner, which was really rather delicious.
Adjourned to Embassy at Esplanade thereafter. It's bizzare, my friends, my friend's friends, my son's friends - all from different walks of lives, all together.
I liked Embassy, especially after going to the hooligan-filled absolutely appalling, totally bad music - Madam Wong's, the night before, I really liked Embassy. Maybe also because I liked the company, and I get 5-dollar Tequilas from the Tequila Man. :) Maybe because I really enjoyed the company - intermeshed friendly strangers and good close friends. I'm really glad Jiaying and son decided to go. I've never noticed and said it out. But I realised son has been with me every Christmas Eve night, and his presence always make the difference for me. His hug, his time-off checking out his babes for me, and all. Makes me feel special :)
Thanks. I had the fun, cept that its a disappointment we couldnt stay till four because the music was just beginning to get better. Go to Embassy on a Tuesday night, anybody?
Gotta go for a movie later before going for THAT annual Christmas party. WIll I get through it like how I got through last night? I hope so.
I had a good night last night. Because I survived it. With no tears.
With no tears. Tho' they almost did come falling down for a while.
Posted by lainey at 11:06 AM | Comments (0)
December 24, 2002
Disclaimer by Scrooge
Do not be offended if you throw me a greeting and I only smile in return.
Do not be offended that I'm not dishing out gifts this year.
Do not think me bad if I don't wish you a merry Christmas
Or a Happy New Year
But if you want someone to go out and get pissdrunk with.
You know who to call.
-Gone for the holidays.-
-Gone for the fucking damned holidays.-
Posted by lainey at 04:15 PM | Comments (1)
December 22, 2002
Wish List
Thing is, Christmases have always been hard for me. Having to come in terms with alot of issues besides the birth of my Saviour.
But this Christmas, is alot harder.
There's alot of issues to due with, alot of problems in my face. And all I wish, is for someone to talk to, someone to tell me everything is gonna be alright.
All around me, I have loved ones who care, who try to make me laugh, who give me love and concern. But there's none I can tell. Because some things are just not meant to be shared at ease.
I just want Santa to put my best friend back under the tree. But it seems, that while putting all that love and romance on hold infinitely, I've lost my best friend to that effect too. I wish I could talk to him the way I did last Christmas. And so forth. How he always made my problems seem less significant.
I hate the war.
I hate the impending war.
Am exhausted.
Night.
Posted by lainey at 10:17 PM | Comments (0)
Trying To Breathe
Everytime I sit in my room, I see the picture we took together last Christmas, so in love, so much hope, so happy, and I will gasp for breath. Unable to breathe, unable to think, and getting all affected.
So, in the midst of an asthmatic frenzy, I called/and woke a good friend up and yattered to her like never before. In a half-asleep state, she advised me to keep busy, get busy and induce a state of impossibility. Impossibility of any thought beyond my living life.
What the fuck does it all mean?
But I do. I get so busy. I go out from morn till night. And flit from an appointment to another. I'm so exhausted. But at least I dont have to look at that picture that often. I still think. But I know I can't afford to think so much.
Think of a him that is so far away. We don't know where the end of this strange long-distance relationship/un-relationship will take us. Hell. We don't even know when we will/can see each other again.
So in the meantime, I find other methods of occupying my thoughts, so that I can ignore the hole and the pain in my heart.
Will that filmsy band-aid hold for the time and distance that I have to endure? I can only wait and see.
I'm really trying. So cut me some slack, alright?
p/s: caught LOTR yesternight and it is -wow-. I don't have much testerone, but the battle scene was great and Legolas and Aragon are such great warriors. -swoonz- :)
Posted by lainey at 09:46 PM | Comments (1)
December 19, 2002
Bored Bored Bored!
I'm so bored.
Life's a flurry of activities. And when presented thus, I'm ok. I think, I make the people around me laugh with my delirious rambling and strange, uncensored jokes stemmed from the lack of sleep. I attempt to lure people to the strangest activities, I invite bumped-into acquaintances to join anyone and everyone I'm with and make friends/conversation with my friends' friends like I've known them all my life.
And when it's like that, it's not so bad.
But when late night comes and people get tired and retreat back into their private life for rest and restoration, I get immensely bored. No one to hold conversations with me in the deep of the night. No one to do anything with me. I should rest, but I feel restless. The voracious reading bit doesn't work because I'm suffering from a surfeit of words and suddenly, even conjured fictive worlds don't seem exciting enough. I need life! I need adrenalin! I need constant activity.
So I just type on and on hoping for something to come up. It was 3am that I forced myself into bed. It was 6am when I gave up the incessant tossing and turning. And it being 8.35am now, is anyone vaguely awake to go out and play with me?
There's no interesting TV programmes on. Sick of watching the same trailers over and over again. Sick of listening to the same news over and over again. Iraq. North Korea. Stocks. Shares. Blair. Bush. Bleah. Bluack! ARghk!
There's nothing on TV.
There's nothing online.
There's no one awake.
There's nothing to do.
I'm so fucking bored.
Urghk!
Posted by lainey at 07:25 AM | Comments (0)
December 18, 2002
Chillin' Out
It's late in the night and I know if I want to be functional, I should be in bed.
Instead, I read, chat with my son over ICQ about relationships, our f.r.i.e.n.d.s obsession, cute babes and hunks, dating and culture and everything.
I listen to music and alternate these two worlds of alternate reality. Madness of Elizabeth Wurtel and one of the main pillars of my sanity.
So chillin', chilling.
And i think, life is not that bad, right?
I just hope this moment doesn't end. Just remain. I get scared. Scared that this is a dream. Everything that's working now is just a dream, and I might slip back to the nightmare world again.
But maybe, I will just relax. And I really do enjoy talking to my son. :)
Still Reading: Prozac Nation - fie dit fie dit!
Posted by lainey at 02:53 AM | Comments (0)
On the Ascent
I'm still feeling better. Slowly, climbing back into the world. And suddenly, the world doesn't seem too shabby a place to live in.
Shan called me just and asked if I got out of the house today, and I told her I did and she said that's a good sign. Then I revealed I've got stuff - social stuff - to do till Friday and she said that's not too good an idea. Hmm, I will take care of myself. I hope. *crosses fingers*
The day didn't start out too well, but it slowly shaped out to be better than I expected. Ending it with late-night pool and supper with son and KS made it all worthwhile, even the extreme exhaustion and the hole-in-pocket bit. May be going camping over christmas and I'm really excited about the prospect of that, hope everything works out.
I do hope, that I will be ok, decidedly ok, for a long while to go. I don't know what makes me better. I know, reading has somesort of a prozac effect in me. Reading in-between the activities and in-activities in life gets me through. Through the nothingness. Through the blankness. I guess words fills in the gaps for me.
Maybe he makes the difference too. To fill up the gaps in-between. Gaps caused by nothing, maybe something. Gaps caused by fucked up histories, bad memories or maybe chemical imbalances. No matter what, I will take whatever works now.
Even if its just the thought and the faith in him. Not so much -voice- or -presence- for the moment. Just the assurance of his words and promises. Maybe that's not the best way to lead a life. But does anyone as a better alternative for me? Maybe I will get through; we will get through. With some pool, some books and friends who try to care and understand and allow me to cheat at pool along the way. Maybe.
So what does God do amongst all this shit?
So what role does God play?
Maybe we will think about it when the cough goes away.
Reading: Prozac Nation - Elizabeth Wurtzel. It is enjoyable, though much like the rest of the confessional books I've read. But it's good. And it feels comforting. Somewhat comforting. But she published and is decidedly brilliant, while I'm content being a nothing for the rest of my life.
Posted by lainey at 01:00 AM | Comments (0)
December 17, 2002
Out of Bed
After three days of being paralysed in bed, in my room, in the house unable to meet anyone, I finally got out of it, aided by a phonecall with him, and got into an insane day of too much activity.
As I told cloudy and dave, (or issit just cloudy?), I was in a super social mode.
And boy, did I get social.
After the phonecall, and attempting to review Nick Hornby's How To Be Good online (the computer crashed on me!), I 'lured' Dave out for breakfast and roped in cloudy for the act too. Got into all that beauty regime fix before dragging dad up to go running with me. Arranged to meet Derick on the train en route to Holland Village and he, to work, and had a good quick catchup considering how I avoided the gang's outings the entire week. After breakfast (saw an aging TCS star act cute in a cute teeshirt and scratching his butt), went to grandparents place to have luncheon with them. Called cuzzie to have a long chat with her (both of us ended crying abit) and had lunch, went for my disastrous hair cut (i'm convinced it's disastrous), went for a head-neck-shoulder massage shiok!!!, met Alf to go pass him my Timberland haversack so he could go to Japan on a silly one-luggage feat, had a conversation with his mom, went to Orchard to achieve his yen-ambition, went to SQ to changed my departure date only to realise (after waiting the thirty minute wait) that I've already done it when I first came back (don't ask me how my memory got so bad.) Went to DFS to buy silly merlion stuffed toys for the best friend's host family in japan and somehow managed to get Alf to pay in yen (yes I got killed) went shopping abit (FCUK - sale!) and met with bro-in-law who treated me to a much awaited (craving-satiated) dinner at Crystal Jade (have been craving real chinese food, no hawker), met ahshan to watch her eat Japanese food, went to the national library for a drink cuz fat frog was making lotsa noise, bummed into mich and her new italiano friend so we chatted for a long time,(never try chatting with an italian when u r zonked - the accent kills ALL brain cells!), came home, crashed onto the bed - totally paralysed with exhaustion (i didnt sleep the night before) and just woke up (four hours later).
phew.
at least i got all the pent-up social needs out all in one day.
everything should really be done in moderation.
wish list : white fcuk leather slip-ons and a digital camera!
p/s: still horrendously disgruntled i spent so much money today on a stupid haircut and i'm seriously considering rebonding my hair after seeing how my hair will look straight. money money money!
p/p/s: can't forgive this stupid ol' computer for crashing on my marvellous review of How To Be Good. Maybe i will write another one. let's hope. and if this comp crash on me now, i'm gonna smash it into smitherins. *crosses fingers*
*deep breaths* calm down.
Posted by lainey at 04:13 AM | Comments (2)
December 16, 2002
fuck you. i mean, really,
fuck you. i mean, really, fuck you.
Posted by lainey at 12:42 AM | Comments (4)
December 14, 2002
Song From the Unloved
you know not how to love, you know not how.
in vain I loved you so.
you know not how to love, you know not how.
And you will never know.
- The Age of Reason, Jean Paul Sartre
Posted by lainey at 05:43 PM | Comments (0)
Darn the December
It finally occured to me that it's December already (way way into December, in fact.) and that would mean Christmas is coming. The realisation struck home when Sis teetered into my room with my Christmas (or issit pre-christmas?) present of a Tommy Girl deodorant spray complete with red christmas wrapping and silver ribbons.
Tommy Girl? Eh???
Christmas? Eh???
I don't know what Christmas means to me anymore. So even though I hum along to cheesy christmassy tunes and walk along a brightly lit Orchard Rd and receive presents without any intention of giving any out, I do not know what to do with the thought of Christmas.
The day Christ was born?
The Hollywood Christmas?
The one where snow falls and people huddle up in love?
The one where friends come together and party the night away.
The one where elainey runs away.
*stashes Christmas into a drawer and locks it up*
Posted by lainey at 12:37 AM | Comments (0)
December 13, 2002
A Full Circle
Have been talking to a UK-based Shwang the past few days. He just told me his life has come to a full circle. I remembered, when I first knew him, the circle was just beginning. I do not know when we will see each other again, being ill-fated friends ever since we started our studies abroad, but I'm glad to have him as a friend. And I hope, we don't screw up too badly. Or are we screwed up already?
Full circle? I don't know about my life. I'm just tumbling from one corner to another. Tumbling about. A shapeless life. Not even a cycle of sorts.
Where will I go? Where can I go?
I don't know. And I don't want to care too much anymore.
Reading: How To Be Good - Nick Hornby
Posted by lainey at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)
December 11, 2002
Quitter-ism
Got dragged out impromptu by friends - the only way to ever get me out these days - for a decadent feast at Tiong Bahru market. After which, we went to the Esplanade to pretty much just sit around and chill. Did I enjoy myself? I can't say I have. Sometimes its sad that this bunch of friends are the exact bunch of reason why I miss my social life in Singapore the most. But I just can't enjoy myself with them anymore.
We practically ordered one of everything from every stall and eating -that- much made me want to throw up. The truth is, I didn't enjoy all that eating.
Fried Carrot Cake
Hainanese Chicken Rice
Barbeque Chicken
Fried Hokkien Prawn Mee
Chwee Kueh (rice dumplings topped with preserved vegetables)
Pig's intestines porridge
Satay Bee Hoon
Ching Teng
And I'm going to make a statement that is gonna get me shot (it already does everytime I mention ad verbatim to friends) - I don't like hawker food. I don't enjoy hawker food, I don't crave hawker food, and I don't see what's the big deal all about. Except that it's all really some unhealthy, oily and mangled mess of hot food laden with alot of MSG.
Gimme me home-cooked food anytime.
So I don't know what to say or what to do with them anymore. And sitting by the Esplanade bay (is there such a place?) and chatting with an obscure new acquaintance was perhaps the most -enjoyable- part of my evening. Have I changed? Or have they? Or have we all changed? I don't know. And I know what I'm doing is unbecoming and it hurts a couple of my friends.
But if meeting up would mean having to eat insane amounts of food, and talk about bourgeois materialist acquisitions of cars, mobile phones, the latest Crumpler bags, cameras and racist jokes, I'd rather stay home with my book.
So I will not go for the annual Christmas party, partly saved by my bet with Shan that I would be able to not celebrate Christmas, that I would stay home on my own during the Christmas period. But I can't run away with the New Year's Eve one.
I'm mean. I know. Do I think I'm better than them? Of course not. I just think it's sad that we've grown different? Have we?
Have we?
Posted by lainey at 03:00 AM | Comments (0)
December 10, 2002
lainey101
It has always been my dream to see if I can come up with 101 random facts about myself. I will try. :)
Of course, all that is subject to constant revision. ;)
1. I am a control freak.
2. I am scared of bean sprouts.
3. And capsicums.
4. And eggplants.
5. And onions.
6. In that order.
7. I need to walk for at least an hour each day, or I will get very disgruntled.
8. I cannot tolerate slow vehicles.
9. I like speed. Alot of speed. :)
10. I would like to think I can cook. Well.
11. I am a health freak.
12. I like wheatgrass juice.
13. I can't say no to babies, or cute kids, or him
14. I do not like any form of soda.
15. My favourite colour is blue.
16. My favourite colour to wear is red.
17. I have naturally wavy hair and I hate it. Though I'm trying to make the most of it now.
18. I am horrendously flat-footed.
19. I can't shop for shoes in Singapore. Or Asia.
20. I can only date guys who wear boxers.
21. I believe in God.
22. But I have doubts about everything else.
23. So I don't go to church.
24. I am big on colour coordination.
25. I can't drive. yet.
26. I believe in consumer therapy. I can spend alot of money.
27. I would rather go without food than to go without new clothes.
28. I'm painfully shy.
29. But I pretend to be totally sociable.
30. I get panic attacks from the most obscure ocassions.
31. I am horrendously claustrophobic.
32. Somehow, I've overcame my fear of heights though. Almost.
33. Because of 32., I cried for five days at Outward Bound Singapore.
34. It is the most traumatising experience in my life.
35. I think I'm fat.
36. I'm always thirsty. I drink at least three litres of water a day.
37. And I must shower at least twice a day.
38. I think baths are dirty.
39. I intend to go into academia or become a librarian.
40. Or get married and have two kids. A son, then a daughter.
41. I see myself as an introvet; but the rest of the world sees me as an extrovet.
42. I have imaginary friends.
43. Books. Sex. Food. In that order.
44. I am an antithesis of myself.
45. I fuck up relationships.
46. I don't have a single non-fucked up relationship.
47. I've been in love once, and I am still in limbo with regards to it.
48. I'm a prude.
49. But I'm liberal and easy in the eyes of many.
50. I talk too myself too often.
51. I sing to myself whenever I'm alone.
52. I have no tolerance for unconscious blatant stupidity.
53. I get misunderstood all the time. When I'm friendly, people think I'm flirty; when I'm happy, people think I'm crazy.
54. I am not attracted to blondes.
55. I do not like Australia.
56. I'm an Anglophile who is also pro-America. And I adore Hongkong and Taiwan.
57. And I have an unexplainable crush on Karen Mok.
58. Other than that, I'm almost 99.99% straight.
59. I'm a sucker for men.
60. I despise feminists.
61. Or misogynists.
62. I'm very proud of my smile. Then my ass. No kidding.
63. Though the left butt cheek is significantly smaller than the right one.
64. I will be eternally grateful to the person who can rectify that.
65. If I don't shape my eyebrows, I will look like poohbear.
66. I like to sleep naked. Or in cotton undies. But I can't do that in Singapore.
67. I have an obsession with moisturisers.
68. People must always walk on my right.
69. I have a perpetual backache.
70. I can crack everybone in my body, but not at the same time.
71. My grand-dad is the most precious person in my life.
72. I really like Who's The Boss and F.R.I.E.N.D.S
73. Other than that, I dont' really watch TV.
74. I kinda despise TV, and mass culture.
75. I'm just irritating.
76. Sad movies make me cry.
77. I have very sensitive skin.
78. Singapore's weather kills my skin.
79. I have alot of beauty products.
80. I never wear lipstick. I will eat it up.
81. I'm not good with make-up. I hardly put on make-up.
82. But I have an obsession with mascara. That's my idea of make-up.
83. I am very vain though.
84. I can be very mean to people.
85. Online shopping makes me hyperventilate.
86. I am superficial. I take looks into consideration in men.
87. I cannot stand people who whine or complain incessantly.
88. I have too many tangential thoughts.
89. I am talkative.
90. I can be really silent too.
91. I am very temperamental.
92. I've been in a cat fight once. I won. Because the other bitch was about to win and I got help from the guy in question.
93. I'm often accused of being emotionally manipulative.
94. Maybe I am.
95. I can't sleep.
96. I don't sleep.
97. I'm scared of the sun.
98. I love the sea.
99. I think I have a pretty good personality.
100. I am pretty loved by people around.
101. I smile too much.
Posted by lainey at 02:03 AM | Comments (1)
December 09, 2002
Rainy Days And Mondays
There's something about rainy Singaporean nights that get to me.
Right here.
Right where it hurts most.
Posted by lainey at 07:58 PM | Comments (0)
December 08, 2002
The Almost Perfect Weekend
Shan 'coerced' me into going to Holland Village with her on Friday night. After a lacklustre dinner of Vietnamese noodles, we adjorned to Coffee Club for my obligatory mud cake. It was a nice evening, despite the toothache, and we had good conversation, as usual, about not-so-good issues.
Life. Singapore. Boys. Australia. America. Bitterness. Art. Clothes. Beauty. Books. Films. Fat. Skinny. Life.
Shan and I have alot to talk about.
So much so that she accompanied me to my appointment at OAL the next morning, and we tried to walk to orchard thereafter but was caught in the rain. Sought refuge at the Singapore Art Musuem and suddenly, the strange Saturday afternoon brimming with mixed, repressed emotions and a terrible migraine besieged by a lack of sleep, turned perfect. Staring at the art pieces, strolling on the timber flooring, giggling, commenting, sharing, silence.
That was good. And impromptu.
And I note it's the first time I visited a musuem with company.
So, though I be exhausted, and ill. I'm glad to have Shan to drag me places. Too bad she couldn't succeed in dragging me to Paul Van Dyke tonight. :) ooopsie.
Listening to: Eighties Fan - Camera Obscura. Was inspired into listening to this song cuz one of the galleries at the SAM was explaining the term "Camera Obscura".
Posted by lainey at 04:07 AM | Comments (0)
Rebirth
This is the new site.
I like daisies. But this is as much as my silly little brain can allow me to tweak.
And henceforth shall Daisyland be of a new beginning of everything!
Posted by lainey at 03:45 AM | Comments (0)